Not long ago I wrote this in a post I was writing and I have thought about it quite a bit lately…
“I told a friend recently that I think the child I was would be kinda let down with the adult I have become. I promised myself I would have more fun than I do. I am serious and worry too much. I remember when I would look at my father and ask… wonder when it went away for dad?? I realized years later he never had the gift to be a dreamer; he was just trying to make a living”
That part about me letting myself down as a younger kid… I’ve thought about it a thousand times lately I swear… I heard the song “Billy the Kid” by Billy Dean recently and as I heard the words I was stopped dead in my tracks. There is a part of the song where he describes himself as a kid remembering when he was a boy wearing six-guns and holsters and riding his bike through the neighborhood. I was thrown into a crazy memory of who I was. I had six guns and a hat and a black bicycle from sears and I was the baddest dude in all the neighborhood. I feared NOTHING… I rode my bike on every surface, sometimes I rode, sometimes I fell and had fun and chased cats and was very ornery. I liked ME then. I liked knowing that I had fun at every turn and as I thought about it… I remembered WHO I was…
I know its ignorant sounding maybe, but I have spent the last 10 years in a place of being changed from the inside out. The guy I was has been thrown in a sack and wrestled to the ground so many times that I have bruises and cuts from head to toe. My circumstances have changed so many times and I have allowed them to define me by letting me find my identity in what everyone and everything said I was. I found myself in a bad place of letting every woman I was attracted to define me. I found my identity in my job title and I spent many of the last 10 years sad, and depressed and kicking against every wall and authority within reach of me. I tried to find identity in being married, trying to re marry and find approval from every woman I came into contact with. I wanted each one of them to speak to me and encourage me but I have finally realized as of late that its NEVER going to work like that… so? I started seeking help from professionals several years ago, and let me tell you… I met some real kooks but I finally met a woman Dr. who broke it all down for me at her office about 6 months ago. She told me I was looking for everything and everyone to fix me. Yeah I have problems that stem way back from both of my parents and honestly? Most of you know a lot of what I endured and I could bore you with the history of it all, but I am choosing to move past it because emotional maturity doesn’t come from pointing fingers at anyone. All I can tell you is I was looking to others for their approval and attention to give me value in my own life... The issue came up about my Facebook and me needing to see myself as someone of value and stop looking for anyone and everyone’s approval. I’ve walked away from it couple of other times, but honestly? I was so frustrated with not having that outside contact that I never got to the bottom of myself… But recently… I walked away and I began searching and praying to figure some things out about myself… I thought it was going to take years and lots of work to figure myself out. I started a job that took me away from the world of people and gave me the opportunity to see myself for who I am. I was taken out of the world of titles and given a role of working for people half my age and using muscles Id forgotten I had, so to say it was humbling? It was a huge understatement for me. I don’t for one second think I figured out anything in 7 days, but I will tell you that it was the final straw of a 10 year process of beating the stuffing out of me that caused me to have that pinnacle “light bulb moment”. On my 8 hour drive back home, I had plenty of time to think about me and my life and when I was an hour from home at mile marker 217… I pulled over and I wrote some stuff down… it hit me like a load of bricks while I was listening to the radio…
(not to sound like Kasey Kasem but…) The answer for me was just a song away… I heard the song about Billy the Kid and it hit me… that’s ME. I am that little kid. I am STILL that little kid… the problems with my circumstances are not who I am… the issues I am facing? They are not WHO I am… who I am is a great big guy with a tender heart, a love for fine things, yummy food, wine, great music and a passion to love everyone, and you know… there’s nothing wrong with that. I am still ornery, still fun and still all boy but yet, I like my tunes, I like my hair and my ability to dance in the aisle at the store and no one not even Sandra Bullock or Paula Deen could waltz into my life and change one thing about me… (Okay, if Paula started talking… I’d probably melt a bit...but…). I finally remembered WHO I was. I remembered I am the one who has made all the mistakes I’ve made, not other people. I am the one who has made the decisions to be where I am. I am the one who can make or break my own situation. If you honestly want to know what happened? I began to find that I just really like myself…a lot. I like who I am, and I’m okay with all of that. I would like to change some things but I want to change them to benefit me… not someone else. I never want to do another thing because someone else says I should…Yeah it was good for me to shut off my FB for a time, but you know?? I like to mess with my friends on my FB. I don’t want their approval…I just like having fun. I don’t care to have anyone’s approval… I KNOW WHO I AM... I know what makes me happy and it’s not a woman or someone else’s approval… it’s mine… I like me… I’m a really great guy. I guess you can say Superman got his Mojo back…
Now please understand me… If you are a private person? You wouldn’t have written this to share or post. You wouldn’t say anything and I respect that… but as of late? I’ve had several friends talking to me about this very issue. Good friends who are beautiful who worry about how they look, who they are and honestly? Who in the hell am I to help anyone, but if I am not open and If I am not transparent, who will be? If God has a calling on my life? Up until now I would say he’s called me to be a boogerhead. But if part of my calling is to share parts of my life so others can work out stuff for themselves as well? Then I’ll be as foolish as I have to be because like I said… I don’t give a damn if you like what I wrote… I’m the fool dancing to “Footloose” over in frozen foods, I just love people and if you needed to hear this today? Then for me it’s better than a hundred sermons I ever preached…
