I'm Movin On

I joined a site on facebook today called "I hate it when you walk outside and someone randomly throws a fridge at you" I love sites like that because for all intensive purposes? they have NO purpose and it's just good clean fun. Its clean fun to read that expression, but to experience that actual event? NOT SO MUCH.. (okay.. no one REALLY threw a fridge at me, but...it feels like it)

I don't really pride myself on being a transparent person, but my friends all tell me that I am very real and easily known.. I am sure that's a great quality sometimes, but if you choose to be transparent, you REALLY should be ready to deal with the fallout. People are looking for a hero and someone who gets it right because not many of us do and we want to know it can be done to give us something to shoot for. Knowing someone is a screw up isn't really a shock to most people because everyone one "screws the pooch" from time to time, but you know...?? I mean, c'mon.. look at me.. I am a mess most days and I seriously just don't need help pointing it out for others.

It's been said that experience is the best teacher, but some things I have experienced in my life are lessons I wish I could have avoided. I guess I could go on and on about my life, but this isn't about me today. If you have ventured to journey to this page you are probably able to connect with things like I am, you use your life's experiences to connect. Although my life experiences and yours aren't the same? I pasted the words to a song that I think appropriately describes what I am feeling today.

I'm Movin On by Rascall Flats

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on
I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

Chorus
I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on


You see? I recently left a relationship that for all intensive purposes shouldn't have happened. It represents a time in my life when I was just hurting and needed to be understood, but because I had not built equity with anyone, no one was there to listen to me talk about it. It was a bad mistake, life altering in fact. Too many people got hurt because I allowed the timing of my decision to happen at the worst possible moment.

So what do you do when you screw up in your life so bad that even drug dealers and pimps look down their noses at you??? You get on your knees and you find yourself in a place of brokenness and you apologize to those you can and allow God's forgiveness to give you the peace you just honestly don't deserve.

I am a screw up for sure, but I won't hide that from you. I won't walk around puffed up like someone owes me something. I won't make myself out to be better than I am to hide my nakedness from you. If anyone is saved from making the mistakes I have made in my life by my transparency, then I will continue to live in this glass house I have built around me.
Until then, I am moving on from the mess I made, because dwelling on it ain't no way to live...

Salt and Light

The town where I live during the week is a salty place. I live there because my job requires it. It's 4 hours away and it's too far to drive back and forth, but it's not bad except, like I said.. it's salty. It is home to 3 of the largest salt companies in the United States and 75 % of all the salt on all the tables in the US are mined in the town where I work. I am NOT involved in the salt industry but I think its a funny coincidence that God sent me to a salt town in Central Kansas to be renewed in him. Think about it... Matt. 5:13 says " You are the salt of the Earth, but if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything but to be thrown out and be trampled on by men" Recently I was thrown out.. God has taken me to Kansas to be made Salty. I know its more of a metaphor, but that is how it feels.

Matthew 4: 16 Says " The people living in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the Shadow of Death, a light has dawned."

Matthew 5:14 says "You are the light of the world, A city on a hill cannot be hidden."

What I am babbling about today is that God sent his son to be a model for us... as we walk in the light as he is the light, we become the light ourselves. We become the Salt of the Earth for others to taste. Living in him produces a glow from his light that in essence becomes light for others to see the way. It is illuminated by the time we spend around him. If you lay a piece of steak on a plate with Salt on it, the steak isn't just cleaned off and nothing happens, no.. not at all. The Steak becomes salty when cooked and the flavor is changed. As we spend time in his presence, the taste we leave others with when we live is changed for them as well. In the place of neediness they see confidence. In the place of bitterness, they begin to see love for others. Its not rocket science.. it just works that way.
I am thrilled that God has had me in a place to re salt me again... I pray that I am leaving others with a different taste these days..
Peace.. ; )

just not feeling it..

I woke up this morning wanting to "feel it". A term I call the feeling of the emotion when the presence of God is evident. Its cold in the room and I have much to do for a Saturday that I would typically spend resting and enjoying. I'm in a strange place and out of sorts, so that might effect my emotions, maybe? I cranked up some Third Day as loud as this silly laptop will play it but it's enough to allow me to remember whose child I am and to find peace in an un-peaceful place.
I am posting the words to my song I am singing below:


Magnificent Holy Father
I stand in awe of all I see
Of all the things You have created
But still You choose to think of me

Who am I that You should suffer
Your very life to set me free
The only thing that I can give You
Is the life You gave to me

This is my offering, dear Lord
This is my offering to You, God
And I will give You my life
For it’s all I have to give
Because You gave Your life for me

I stand before You at this altar
So many have given You more
I may not have much I can offer
Yet what I have is truly Yours

This is my offering

Not sure if you are feeling it today... I'm certainly not, but I can tell you on days like this I find comfort from words like this..
God didn't call us to be emotional everyday and to "feel it" all the time, but he did ask us to follow him.. no matter what the mood.. I am up, I have my coffee and I am following him. I am no longer following him because its "the right thing to do" I follow him out of a passion that he placed in me. A passion of grace. His acceptance of me because of him in spite of me. Peace to you this day as we walk with God. ; )

carrying the hurt

You know? Sometimes for all my big talk and ranting about what God is doing here and how I heard God say this there… I feel today like I am about as immature as anyone walking. I am wounded inside so much because of things people have said to me or things I feel like others owe me and when I am quiet and introspective, I begin to realize that I am hanging on to hurt that quite frankly I should have already gotten over. I carry it around to show other people. I say “look what they did to me” in hopes that others will stand forth and validate my hurts and wounds and will jump up and be appalled because I have been soooo wronged. I guess I am waiting for the world to be on my side so I can feel justified because, see? I was just minding my own business and living life and the big bad dad/mom/girlfriend/coworker etc decided to take matters into their own hands and went completely out of their way to find me, strip me of my clothing, have me beaten while naked, steal my checkbook and run down and overdraw my account with big meals of pancakes and sausage for all my enemies at IHOP. I know my description is ridiculous, but not any more ridiculous than trying to get others to validate my hurt all the time because I can’t let go of it. You see I will let you in on a little secret… I fancy myself as someone who is intelligent. I do this a little too much in instances like this because I think I am above these petty little things like this, but honestly I offer less maturity than a twelve year old. I am so far removed from maturity that I should be riding my big wheel with a pinwheel hat, wearing my red shorts and rainbow suspenders.

So my new resolution, because it’s Tuesday, is to not hang onto bitterness anymore. I have been hurt… but let’s be really honest, I have hurt a ton of people. I am like King Midas with that Gold touch thing. I hurt people all the time. I feel like I should stay inside and not touch anyone with my troubles many days, but I guess if I did, the days when I actually DID touch someone’s life? I would miss…

So here is to me not missing the good things, huh? I am writing my list of apologies right now… keep checking your mail ; )