You know? Sometimes for all my big talk and ranting about what God is doing here and how I heard God say this there… I feel today like I am about as immature as anyone walking. I am wounded inside so much because of things people have said to me or things I feel like others owe me and when I am quiet and introspective, I begin to realize that I am hanging on to hurt that quite frankly I should have already gotten over. I carry it around to show other people. I say “look what they did to me” in hopes that others will stand forth and validate my hurts and wounds and will jump up and be appalled because I have been soooo wronged. I guess I am waiting for the world to be on my side so I can feel justified because, see? I was just minding my own business and living life and the big bad dad/mom/girlfriend/coworker etc decided to take matters into their own hands and went completely out of their way to find me, strip me of my clothing, have me beaten while naked, steal my checkbook and run down and overdraw my account with big meals of pancakes and sausage for all my enemies at IHOP. I know my description is ridiculous, but not any more ridiculous than trying to get others to validate my hurt all the time because I can’t let go of it. You see I will let you in on a little secret… I fancy myself as someone who is intelligent. I do this a little too much in instances like this because I think I am above these petty little things like this, but honestly I offer less maturity than a twelve year old. I am so far removed from maturity that I should be riding my big wheel with a pinwheel hat, wearing my red shorts and rainbow suspenders.
So my new resolution, because it’s Tuesday, is to not hang onto bitterness anymore. I have been hurt… but let’s be really honest, I have hurt a ton of people. I am like King Midas with that Gold touch thing. I hurt people all the time. I feel like I should stay inside and not touch anyone with my troubles many days, but I guess if I did, the days when I actually DID touch someone’s life? I would miss…
So here is to me not missing the good things, huh? I am writing my list of apologies right now… keep checking your mail ; )
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