Superheros and Snotbubbles

My name is Todd… and I am a Father, part time to children who miss me.
But that’s not the big story.
My name is Todd… I once was married but now I’m no longer married.
But that’s not the whole picture.
My name is Todd… I am a minister… and I am a broken Christian, and I am one of Gods Ragamuffins… and that is the best story I can tell…

I’m not sure how old I was when I first started hearing stories of the Christian life. I must have been 3 or 4 but I do remember receiving a bible from my Aunt for Christmas in 1974 and I couldn’t really understand it and always knew I needed to be reading it, but to a 6 year old the King James version did NOT make any sense. So I did the next best thing, I put the bible under my pillow to protect me, and keep me safe from the demons I thought I saw looking in the windows at night and I slept with it there until I left for college in 1987. I would look at the pics and try to understand it, but it wasn’t until July of 1988 that I actually gave my life to God that I truly began to understand the words written on the pages. Sitting on top of a 10’ ladder in the back of a restaurant at 2:00AM, I gave the rest of my life over to God and he… is a man… of his word.
When you learn most of what you know about the bible by regurgitation from well meaning evangelical ministers, your outlook of the word can be very skewed and disproportionate. Much like those ministers who are hung up on blessings and tithing, the bible belt area I grew up in where my faith was formed is very steeped in the traditions of evangelism and much is given from the pulpit about morality and right living so others will be lured in. Sure that’s just MY viewpoint and there is nothing wrong with that mentality, but coming from my broken assessment of the gospels I have found solace in the last 10 years in the broken places of just knowing that my God is a friend to those who are broken and hurting.
I used to think God had called those who had it together or at least when we got saved, we all got a new car and a great haircut and our acne cleared up and all we had to do was pay our taxes on time and drive the speed limit and never cuss and we could punch a ticket into heaven. I listened to other Christians go on and on about the love of God and how they had been filled with peace etc and I swear for 15 years I faked it. I was even ordained in 1997 as a gospel minister, probably based on the words I could say, but I’ll tell you honestly, if there was any truth in me it was only how to live morally and not necessarily a true experience of God’s love.
In 2002 my friend Mark and I were discussing this love experience thing and I told him I just didn’t believe in the emotion of it all. I didn’t feel comfort when I prayed. I didn’t feel it was anything more than a public show and he looked at me like Id lost my mind. I mean, I was in leadership for goodness sakes. I was in the leadership home group with other leaders who were the folks in the church who were supposed to be the experts in the ways of Christianity and we had all the answers… and honestly? I had NO idea what it was to be in love with our father. To my shame Mark grabbed me by the hand that next Sunday morning and led me to our Sr. Pastor John and explained my plight. I had shared many meals with Pastor John and he knew me well. He had loved my family like his own when we joined the church and was very compassionate most days, but he looked at me with a look of broken compassion mixed with bewilderment. I had said all the right words, I had gone through all the motions correctly, but it was beginning to show in my walk that I was missing something…”something??” I was missing THE thing. I didn’t want Pastor John to know I didn’t have the grid for the experience I was supposed to understand. I mean I was an ordained minister for goodness sakes… I am supposed to be an expert in my field, the fact that this conversation had gone this far we ridiculous indeed, but God had bigger plans for me than for me to lie to myself and everyone else.
Now I’ve heard tell of spiritual Ninja’s and men whose prayers are heard no matter what they pray and I believe our pastor was just that kind of man. I wouldn’t say he is a prophet or some super spiritual guru… but trust me when I say he was a Spiritual Dirty Harry. The man had just as well been aiming a 44 magnum at my head when he stood there and prayed for me to feel the love of God in my life and in my emotions. His hands sort of shake as he prays and I don’t know if that is spiritual or not, but I remember him shaking me as he held my chest and prayed as if to ask God to take my heart out of my body and renew it… I promise you, God WAS listening that day. Not because John has magic powers, but because God was ready to bring me to the place where he could show me his love.
God is a man of his word… period. He always does what he says he is going to do. He had told me in the year 2000 in a bookstore in Independence, MO that I was a ragamuffin. He told me I would know what it meant to experience his love. I have it written in my diary from 2001 exactly where I was standing when God whispered “I’m going to change you from the inside out”. Not long after “Dirty Harry” did the prayer deed, I lost my job… not long after that? We lost everything that wasn’t tied down, jeep, appliances, money all of it. Then to make matters worse?? The boys and their mom left and went to live in Oklahoma. She only came back to visit her doctor for a lump in her breast several weeks later. We ended up having to go through breast cancer knowing full well when it was over we would end up divorced. I’ve lived the most radically painful and disappointing life since the year 2002 wandering aimlessly in life wondering when the pain of not feeling God’s love would subside. As I look back at the time of my struggle, I have come to realize one thing… everything I have endured was because God desired to bring me to a place where I knew WHO I was, who HE was and where I was going. He made himself real to me in the darkest dankest hours of my life when I felt like it would end several times. I’ve never reached out for attention just for attentions sake in those moments… I really have been scared… but every time I cried out to God… and every time.. He was faithful to send one person, one check, a job, anything I needed at the time and the only way I know how to describe the past 10 years of my life is God loving me as a father… holding me tightly and me kicking wanting to get down and play. The love our Father has for us in those dark moments when we are on our knees praying he will take our lives is not a romantic, giddy, puppy love. When you are praying for comfort as you cry until your throat aches and your eyes burn from the hot tears that drench your shirt because you long so much to know his love. When you have tried to kill the pain with alcohol, food, tobacco, the love of another and anything else you want to inject into your system to forget the past, and you finally reach your breaking point… he will find you there on the floor of your home, rejected and dismayed at life and he will pick you up and remind you once again… he loves you. Its then in that moment and not in some theological classroom that you realize WHO he is… WHO you are and what you have to give back to him and where you are going. You find yourself in that place of knowing that you in your rags and filth are nothing and the only goodness in us is the love he gives and the dignity he can restore if we find ourselves in that Garden of Gethsemane place of saying… not MY will.. Not MY life… not MY choices… not MY way…. Anymore. When we get to that breaking point… he can use us. He can heal us and we finally realize WHO we are. There is never a time when we have to look for love in the arms of another. We never have to look for affirmation from others… we are just his and he can then love on us…
I find it almost humorous when I write anymore… I have people constantly messaging me about God’s love, and giving me advice. Worried that I am just too hard on myself. Saying I am looking for encouragement. Saying I need to just figure out who I am. These are actual messages I’ve received from kind well meaning friends… and the funny thing is I really DO know who I am… who HE is and where I am headed these days. I’ve blown enough snot bubbles on my knees looking for direction that I know for sure. I know he isn’t finished with me… but I also know I don’t question if he loves me anymore. I am at peace with it now. I am so at peace I can share my stories in humility and transparency, not for you to pat me on the back, but to help you on your journey as well if you need it. I’ve come to understand that its not about being seen, gaining approval or masking our faults and sins. My sins are my sins, but his love is so much greater than those stories… I sleep peacefully every night… now cause HE calls me Superman… the name was his idea. I sleep peacefully knowing HE loves me and that too was his idea… and I know that I will now and for the rest of my days tell the story of how his love changed my heart even though it cost me all I had in life. Whether I find love or I am single all my days… I will write it, preach it, do finger puppets if necessary, telling about his love for us. it’s the greatest love story ever written and it will always be the same… a loving father… giving all he has for us to show us how much he loves us… and he does it using Ragamuffins…just like me and you. ; )