Shadows of a Father

The clock on the desk tells me its 6:07 and the biting cool of the morning air is nipping at me still as I entered the house. It seems odd this time of year as I have to turn off the air conditioner because its cooler outside than it is in the house. Its weird you know? Like someone flipped a switch and just sent the hot air away like it was all a bad dream. Last week it was 89 degrees as I left the house to go running, and today a guy would almost need a jacket. The only downfall to this time of year is the allergies the cool weather seems to bring with it. I almost feel like a trumpeteer running in the dark with a handkerchief and honking for the right of way as I go along. It is kind of fun to watch the cats as the jump out of their skin from a dead sleep somewhere along my route.
My second oldest son Jonah runs with me every morning as we seemed to be joined at the hip these days, and that is quite okay considering the amount of time I spent in Kansas these past few years. Its quite refreshing too because the time we spend together he is non stop questions. This morning he asked me everything from repair time on old cars to gasket replacements to grass and lawn care to questions on our heritage and why MY father acted the way he did when I was young… That tends to be a topic we discuss regularly. Questions like “when you were my age, did your dad ______________? Are quite common in our day to day exercise routines. I always try to explain and model the greatness of my father so my son will know his grandfather was just that… grand. I told him recently of my memory of working for him as a pipe fitter the summer after I graduated and the entire 4 months we spent daily working together and how hard he was to live with, yet how giving and kind he could be during the off hours. I remember looking up and seeing my dad who was well into his forties by that time coming down off a scaffolding in his blue shirt and denim jeans that always seemed to serve as the main uniform he chose to wear everyday. “He wasn’t as heavy as he is today” I told Jonah. “he was still 6’5” and he weighed in around 250 lbs and it was muscle and bone in those days and I knew there was nothing he couldn’t do. I remember watching him lumber across the concrete at a breakneck pace because my dad went at everything he ever did like a mad man with his hair on fire. I remember being in awe that morning thinking to myself “My dad is huge and there isn’t anything I’m scared of when he is around.” I was about 6 foot then and a whopping 200 lbs. “My dad cast a larger shadow than any man I knew.” “But wasn’t your dad hard on you and Aunt Shana when you were young??” Jonah said. I replied “Son? Of all my friends I don’t know of anyone who’s dad could raise as much hell and throw more fits when things didn’t go his way, but I don’t know of one single father who had a bigger heart and loved his children more during the fun times” “So he as a lot of fun?” Jonah asked. “yeah Jo Jo… he would tell us stories of his childhood and his dad and mom and keep us in stitches for hours about the things he pulled and jokes he had heard, he was fun” I replied.

Honestly, its very interesting how I began to deal with my emotions about my dad as I became a dad and have been perfecting the dad thing. I’m not good at it, but our fathers usually give us a pattern or mold to work from as far as how we are to treat our own children and we move from there to a place of taking what we know and adding to it.
So this morning we were jogging along in the dark through an established neighborhood where the trees were 30 to 40 feet tall and the morning housing lights still had not been turned on because it was so early. We ran under the street lamps which seemed to be so dim during the dark hours of the morning but still they gave some comfort to be able to see the asphalt that was passing so quickly under our feet. As we approached each lamp our shadows would disappear until we were passing the lamp and our shadows quickly grew out of no where on the ground beside us and began to run along in front of us and grow with every step we took. I noticed my shadow was quite a bit larger and longer than Jonah’s and as we reached the center distance between the poles my shadow was about 20 some feet and I could see the young teenage boy in me still and yet I could also see the responsible leader who is the provider and high protector of my young brood of cubs in the same shadow.
A dear friend of mine recently said to me “Humility is being confident in knowing what you are and knowing what you are not”. I thought of that this morning because I realized I AM a good dad and a friend to my children and I haven’t gotten so big for my britches in life that they can’t ever have fun with me. I thought of that because I also know that I am NOT the epitome of confidence my father was at my age. He seemed to always have a plan, to always be prepared and to have things under control. Most days I can’t even get lunch together and yet my children still have no problem trusting that I’ve got it all together, which does give me that deep seeded feeling of humility. I’ve got nothing to brag about but they still will have the same stories to tell their children one day.
I hate the idea of “selling” God. It’s NOT my quest nor mission to do so. You either get it or you don’t… plain and simple..and brow beating others to become Christians is about as bad advertising as screechy TV preachers with hankies and a demand for money to support the ministry. But as of late I have learned a great lesson in just living out what you believe instead of trying to be something you are not. When I do that? It’s just not explainable but God simply makes the necessary changes.. he just tells me to put down the remote and the cell phone and pick up the ball glove and play. Its that easy… just play.. Cause he just wants to play with us as well…
I realize that’s not the kind of theology you’re gonna hear from the pulpit maybe, but in my book? It’s the essence of cool.
As we were finishing our run? I couldn’t stop looking at the stars… there were millions of them this morning… I was amazed. I told Jo… look brother, its really cool.. Cause I think God does that just to dazzle us. He said “I never thought of it like that. I figured they are stars and planets etc” I told him I’m sure they are, but if it was just me and Jo on this Earth? I think he would have done it all over again and again… just to wow me and keep me amazed at how amazing he is. He woo’s us by being amazing and revealing his creation to us when we aren’t expecting it. I can’t explain it really but just being caught off guard by a sunset or a mountain landscape or seeing a beautifully colored bird and realizing that you have seen something like that a thousand times, but today for some reason Its like you were looking at it for the first time. I long to be a good father. But God is an amazing father and when I think of how his love for me covers up my inadequacies I am completely undone. God knows what I need when I need it and he always provides everything in its due time.

God.... and Forrest Gump

“Have you found Jesus yet Gump?” said Lt. Dan. Forrest replied “I didn’t know I was supposed to be looking for him Sir”. it’s a very funny couple of lines from my favorite movie of all time. Yes, you read that right… Tom Hanks portrayal in Robert Zemeckas’s 1994 Hit movie is still light years out in front of all the other movies I’ve seen to date. I love Braveheart, Star Wars, Fight Club, When Harry met Sally, and those would round out my top 5 but by far, Forrest is still my fan favored pick.

If you know me? You would know it’s not a stretch as it’s a movie about a simple man, longing for the love of one woman… which is my life in a nutshell. It seriously is… its funny when I see God dealing with something in my life and as of late it’s the woman thing. It’s coming to a head soon and you will probably find me in the corner with a sticky note on my forehead that reads: If found return to… followed by my address… I love the way the Lord moves and is such a gentleman when he deals with us, but he is and I am glad… and so is the rest of the female population J .

Lately I’ve been hanging out in the book of Song of Songs in the bible and if you have ever read it, it will make you blush with some of the language, but as any strong married couple can attest, the emotions shared by the lover and beloved in this short book are right on and true and cannot be denied. It is a depiction of the Lover who we can correctly assume is the Lord and his Beloved whom we know is the Church and the love affair they share for one another and as anyone can assume it is a depiction of how he woos us and calls out to us to love him. The most manly among us will testify that when the lord calls us to him, we are eager to love him and worship him for who he is and to find him as the provider for our lives and the comforter of our souls. If you have ever found yourself in that desperate place of longing for Him for your very breath of life, you will know exactly what I mean. If not? You will find my words to be nonsense right now.

I sat down to watch Forrest Gump again last night and as usual, I tear up like a little girl all through the movie and I realized today why exactly I do such a thing. I noticed that the parts where Forrest is reunited with Jenny all through the movie, I found myself with tears streaming down my cheeks, and for most that would be foolishness, but I think its so much more than just the happy scenes or the scenes about love for me. I realized something amazing… Forrest is like God in this movie. Always disciplined, always doing the hard thing, because it is right. He is faithful to his word and continued to maintain a single love for ONE woman….. Jenny. His Jenny was so lost and sad and heartbroken and corrupt and dead to his affections and love. Jenny is a depiction of the world. Robin Wright plays the role masterfully in the movie and in the times she is running from everything that is true in her life (Forrest) she is lost and whores herself out for any attention from other men (other Gods) so she can feel complete. Forrest writes letters to her, and they come back unread. He confesses his love to her. He does his best to woo her in his simple charm that isn’t attractive to Jenny as she longs for so much more than he can answer or give to her. He remains steadfast and he is never bitter. In fact every time he is with her all throughout the movie he says the same line “Me an Jenny were together again just like Peas and Carrots… and IT… was the Happiest time of my life.” That part struck me very hard like a frying pan to the side of my head.

God desires us even when we are whoring ourselves out for attention from the world. He desires us and is never ever evil or angry when we reject him. He hates our sins and that is a known fact of many in the church but so many throw out the baby with the bathwater and assume God wants to punish us for walking away from him. That’s JUST not the case… in fact, like Forrest.. When we return to him every time, he woos us all over again and he wants to settle things and Marry us and keep us for his very own… and like all the times in the movie, we as the church love on him until we decide his love is just too much and we run away. Isn’t it JUST like the Father to allow us to get to a place where we are sick, or ill or hurt or wounded and we seek him out again, just like Jenny did with Forrest and he just didn’t become ugly or angry.. Once again he accepted her and welcomed her back and gave of himself to her over and above what she could have ever dreamed. He’s not flashy, he’s not a quick fix…. He is simple and his love for us is real and honest and its overwhelming and it simply wants to give itself away to us. I love the movie but my favorite part is when Jenny writes to him and they are reunited and married and she is sick in bed and she says “ I wish I had been with you all those times” and he replies “you were”. We are ALWAYS on his mind… he is ALWAYS thinking of how he can woo us and love us and keep us and show us HIS love. The love of our Father is so real and so alive and so amazing and completely and totally loyal. We are his ONLY object of affection…. He is a jealous lover and yet he won’t condemn us is we run away from him, but when we return… He is like Forrest.. He is totally lost in his love for us as his beloved bride.


As of late my God has wooed me back to a place of walking with him. Just like in the movie, the love of the world and the affections of women are tempting? But I am dancing in the living room to Sweet Home Alabama when the rest of you aren’t looking. My needs are being provided and I am literally the apple of his eye right now and I desire nothing more that can take the place of such peace. “It is the happiest time of my life” and me n God are like Peas and Carrots again…. And I am praying for each of YOU, every day to experience the same… I promise you there is nothing that can rival this… And that’s all I got to say about that….

.