Shadows of a Father

The clock on the desk tells me its 6:07 and the biting cool of the morning air is nipping at me still as I entered the house. It seems odd this time of year as I have to turn off the air conditioner because its cooler outside than it is in the house. Its weird you know? Like someone flipped a switch and just sent the hot air away like it was all a bad dream. Last week it was 89 degrees as I left the house to go running, and today a guy would almost need a jacket. The only downfall to this time of year is the allergies the cool weather seems to bring with it. I almost feel like a trumpeteer running in the dark with a handkerchief and honking for the right of way as I go along. It is kind of fun to watch the cats as the jump out of their skin from a dead sleep somewhere along my route.
My second oldest son Jonah runs with me every morning as we seemed to be joined at the hip these days, and that is quite okay considering the amount of time I spent in Kansas these past few years. Its quite refreshing too because the time we spend together he is non stop questions. This morning he asked me everything from repair time on old cars to gasket replacements to grass and lawn care to questions on our heritage and why MY father acted the way he did when I was young… That tends to be a topic we discuss regularly. Questions like “when you were my age, did your dad ______________? Are quite common in our day to day exercise routines. I always try to explain and model the greatness of my father so my son will know his grandfather was just that… grand. I told him recently of my memory of working for him as a pipe fitter the summer after I graduated and the entire 4 months we spent daily working together and how hard he was to live with, yet how giving and kind he could be during the off hours. I remember looking up and seeing my dad who was well into his forties by that time coming down off a scaffolding in his blue shirt and denim jeans that always seemed to serve as the main uniform he chose to wear everyday. “He wasn’t as heavy as he is today” I told Jonah. “he was still 6’5” and he weighed in around 250 lbs and it was muscle and bone in those days and I knew there was nothing he couldn’t do. I remember watching him lumber across the concrete at a breakneck pace because my dad went at everything he ever did like a mad man with his hair on fire. I remember being in awe that morning thinking to myself “My dad is huge and there isn’t anything I’m scared of when he is around.” I was about 6 foot then and a whopping 200 lbs. “My dad cast a larger shadow than any man I knew.” “But wasn’t your dad hard on you and Aunt Shana when you were young??” Jonah said. I replied “Son? Of all my friends I don’t know of anyone who’s dad could raise as much hell and throw more fits when things didn’t go his way, but I don’t know of one single father who had a bigger heart and loved his children more during the fun times” “So he as a lot of fun?” Jonah asked. “yeah Jo Jo… he would tell us stories of his childhood and his dad and mom and keep us in stitches for hours about the things he pulled and jokes he had heard, he was fun” I replied.

Honestly, its very interesting how I began to deal with my emotions about my dad as I became a dad and have been perfecting the dad thing. I’m not good at it, but our fathers usually give us a pattern or mold to work from as far as how we are to treat our own children and we move from there to a place of taking what we know and adding to it.
So this morning we were jogging along in the dark through an established neighborhood where the trees were 30 to 40 feet tall and the morning housing lights still had not been turned on because it was so early. We ran under the street lamps which seemed to be so dim during the dark hours of the morning but still they gave some comfort to be able to see the asphalt that was passing so quickly under our feet. As we approached each lamp our shadows would disappear until we were passing the lamp and our shadows quickly grew out of no where on the ground beside us and began to run along in front of us and grow with every step we took. I noticed my shadow was quite a bit larger and longer than Jonah’s and as we reached the center distance between the poles my shadow was about 20 some feet and I could see the young teenage boy in me still and yet I could also see the responsible leader who is the provider and high protector of my young brood of cubs in the same shadow.
A dear friend of mine recently said to me “Humility is being confident in knowing what you are and knowing what you are not”. I thought of that this morning because I realized I AM a good dad and a friend to my children and I haven’t gotten so big for my britches in life that they can’t ever have fun with me. I thought of that because I also know that I am NOT the epitome of confidence my father was at my age. He seemed to always have a plan, to always be prepared and to have things under control. Most days I can’t even get lunch together and yet my children still have no problem trusting that I’ve got it all together, which does give me that deep seeded feeling of humility. I’ve got nothing to brag about but they still will have the same stories to tell their children one day.
I hate the idea of “selling” God. It’s NOT my quest nor mission to do so. You either get it or you don’t… plain and simple..and brow beating others to become Christians is about as bad advertising as screechy TV preachers with hankies and a demand for money to support the ministry. But as of late I have learned a great lesson in just living out what you believe instead of trying to be something you are not. When I do that? It’s just not explainable but God simply makes the necessary changes.. he just tells me to put down the remote and the cell phone and pick up the ball glove and play. Its that easy… just play.. Cause he just wants to play with us as well…
I realize that’s not the kind of theology you’re gonna hear from the pulpit maybe, but in my book? It’s the essence of cool.
As we were finishing our run? I couldn’t stop looking at the stars… there were millions of them this morning… I was amazed. I told Jo… look brother, its really cool.. Cause I think God does that just to dazzle us. He said “I never thought of it like that. I figured they are stars and planets etc” I told him I’m sure they are, but if it was just me and Jo on this Earth? I think he would have done it all over again and again… just to wow me and keep me amazed at how amazing he is. He woo’s us by being amazing and revealing his creation to us when we aren’t expecting it. I can’t explain it really but just being caught off guard by a sunset or a mountain landscape or seeing a beautifully colored bird and realizing that you have seen something like that a thousand times, but today for some reason Its like you were looking at it for the first time. I long to be a good father. But God is an amazing father and when I think of how his love for me covers up my inadequacies I am completely undone. God knows what I need when I need it and he always provides everything in its due time.