Deficit.. interesting word.. I find it fun to use because its more collegiate than just saying "We ain't got none", which is what I would be prone to do.
It's also a ridiculously overused term in America. Way too many folks feeling the need to tell others they suffer from Attention Deficit Disorder... I would bet it's more like 10% of those people who are saying it, actually have it.
I am using with a play on words... a deficit is described as a lack or shortage; deficiency. a disadvantage, impairment, or handicap.
I find myself with a shortage of attention quite a bit due to something from my past requiring me to cry out publicly for such attention and say "look at me". It can be heartwarming at first for friends to try and help and stand beside you thinking they can help fix it, but only later to decide it's too hard and frustrating and they throw you by the wayside and decide you really weren't worth it. I have had people tell me how tiring I am that I have such a craving. Minister and well meaning friends have come far and wide and given me scripture verses and "correct" my way of thinking and being because I am "wrong" in their eyes and I need fixing.
Honestly I deal with bitterness over this as so many have come off as arrogant assholes wanting to show me just how wrong I am. The others I have encountered.. the ones that have tried to help by being friends and have told me its just too hard. I can't really blame them. I know it would be tiring, but It honestly hurts pretty bad. I didn't ask God to create me this way. I am just this way. EVERYONE ends up rejecting me and turning away from me eventually and then I am left alone. It's a painful existence. People don't care and as I desire to suck it up and not worry about it and try to be "normal" like everyone else, I usually end up angry and bitter. People tell you to "get it together" and "get over yourself" on a daily basis.. honesty I really just want to beat them with my fists.. I didn't ask to be this way.. it just happened.. A person tormented daily with the need to have someone love me.. and that need is so annoying it drives everyone away..
I'll try to keep plugging along for now.. I have 4 little mouths to feed.. but one day they will be able to stand on their own..
Love ya Todd!!!! Head up my friend!
ReplyDeleteI love coming back to these posts, when I know I should be diligent and write because it's good form, but it's sooooo hard because I feel so far away from God and yet, today's post "shiny Things and the lack luster of approval" couldn't have been written if I hadn't walked through the hard days like the bad day I had when I wrote this.. it makes me smile to go back and see when I was walking it out and learning.
ReplyDelete