Not long ago I wrote this in a post I was writing and I have thought about it quite a bit lately…
“I told a friend recently that I think the child I was would be kinda let down with the adult I have become. I promised myself I would have more fun than I do. I am serious and worry too much. I remember when I would look at my father and ask… wonder when it went away for dad?? I realized years later he never had the gift to be a dreamer; he was just trying to make a living”
That part about me letting myself down as a younger kid… I’ve thought about it a thousand times lately I swear… I heard the song “Billy the Kid” by Billy Dean recently and as I heard the words I was stopped dead in my tracks. There is a part of the song where he describes himself as a kid remembering when he was a boy wearing six-guns and holsters and riding his bike through the neighborhood. I was thrown into a crazy memory of who I was. I had six guns and a hat and a black bicycle from sears and I was the baddest dude in all the neighborhood. I feared NOTHING… I rode my bike on every surface, sometimes I rode, sometimes I fell and had fun and chased cats and was very ornery. I liked ME then. I liked knowing that I had fun at every turn and as I thought about it… I remembered WHO I was…
I know its ignorant sounding maybe, but I have spent the last 10 years in a place of being changed from the inside out. The guy I was has been thrown in a sack and wrestled to the ground so many times that I have bruises and cuts from head to toe. My circumstances have changed so many times and I have allowed them to define me by letting me find my identity in what everyone and everything said I was. I found myself in a bad place of letting every woman I was attracted to define me. I found my identity in my job title and I spent many of the last 10 years sad, and depressed and kicking against every wall and authority within reach of me. I tried to find identity in being married, trying to re marry and find approval from every woman I came into contact with. I wanted each one of them to speak to me and encourage me but I have finally realized as of late that its NEVER going to work like that… so? I started seeking help from professionals several years ago, and let me tell you… I met some real kooks but I finally met a woman Dr. who broke it all down for me at her office about 6 months ago. She told me I was looking for everything and everyone to fix me. Yeah I have problems that stem way back from both of my parents and honestly? Most of you know a lot of what I endured and I could bore you with the history of it all, but I am choosing to move past it because emotional maturity doesn’t come from pointing fingers at anyone. All I can tell you is I was looking to others for their approval and attention to give me value in my own life... The issue came up about my Facebook and me needing to see myself as someone of value and stop looking for anyone and everyone’s approval. I’ve walked away from it couple of other times, but honestly? I was so frustrated with not having that outside contact that I never got to the bottom of myself… But recently… I walked away and I began searching and praying to figure some things out about myself… I thought it was going to take years and lots of work to figure myself out. I started a job that took me away from the world of people and gave me the opportunity to see myself for who I am. I was taken out of the world of titles and given a role of working for people half my age and using muscles Id forgotten I had, so to say it was humbling? It was a huge understatement for me. I don’t for one second think I figured out anything in 7 days, but I will tell you that it was the final straw of a 10 year process of beating the stuffing out of me that caused me to have that pinnacle “light bulb moment”. On my 8 hour drive back home, I had plenty of time to think about me and my life and when I was an hour from home at mile marker 217… I pulled over and I wrote some stuff down… it hit me like a load of bricks while I was listening to the radio…
(not to sound like Kasey Kasem but…) The answer for me was just a song away… I heard the song about Billy the Kid and it hit me… that’s ME. I am that little kid. I am STILL that little kid… the problems with my circumstances are not who I am… the issues I am facing? They are not WHO I am… who I am is a great big guy with a tender heart, a love for fine things, yummy food, wine, great music and a passion to love everyone, and you know… there’s nothing wrong with that. I am still ornery, still fun and still all boy but yet, I like my tunes, I like my hair and my ability to dance in the aisle at the store and no one not even Sandra Bullock or Paula Deen could waltz into my life and change one thing about me… (Okay, if Paula started talking… I’d probably melt a bit...but…). I finally remembered WHO I was. I remembered I am the one who has made all the mistakes I’ve made, not other people. I am the one who has made the decisions to be where I am. I am the one who can make or break my own situation. If you honestly want to know what happened? I began to find that I just really like myself…a lot. I like who I am, and I’m okay with all of that. I would like to change some things but I want to change them to benefit me… not someone else. I never want to do another thing because someone else says I should…Yeah it was good for me to shut off my FB for a time, but you know?? I like to mess with my friends on my FB. I don’t want their approval…I just like having fun. I don’t care to have anyone’s approval… I KNOW WHO I AM... I know what makes me happy and it’s not a woman or someone else’s approval… it’s mine… I like me… I’m a really great guy. I guess you can say Superman got his Mojo back…
Now please understand me… If you are a private person? You wouldn’t have written this to share or post. You wouldn’t say anything and I respect that… but as of late? I’ve had several friends talking to me about this very issue. Good friends who are beautiful who worry about how they look, who they are and honestly? Who in the hell am I to help anyone, but if I am not open and If I am not transparent, who will be? If God has a calling on my life? Up until now I would say he’s called me to be a boogerhead. But if part of my calling is to share parts of my life so others can work out stuff for themselves as well? Then I’ll be as foolish as I have to be because like I said… I don’t give a damn if you like what I wrote… I’m the fool dancing to “Footloose” over in frozen foods, I just love people and if you needed to hear this today? Then for me it’s better than a hundred sermons I ever preached…
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Don't Blink
I was watching the movie “The Shawshank Redemption” the other day for like the 30ll millionth time. I can’t get enough of Morgan Freeman’s voice as he narrates the story about a man wrongly convicted of murder and serving 20 years of 2 life sentences before he escaped the prison. The turning point of the movie (in case you live under a rock and haven’t seen it) is when the star is told his case for getting out of prison is overturned by the warden and he is placed in solitary for 2 months. He gets out and has a memorable scene with his friend about his life. His quote “get busy living or get busy dying” is hanging in the air when the movie concludes and he escapes and goes to live in Mexico with the warden’s money. The movie speaks of a guy who finally gets the big picture… He sees life for what it is. Figures out who he is and finally accepts what he has to do to make it work for him. Some people I suspect do this at very early ages. Some I suspect have to wait till they are a little older.
If we spend our time in our lives living at our jobs, taking care of children, with our heads in our Facebooks, living in our minds, we somehow miss the beauty of life. We spend our lives formulating a routine and doing what’s necessary until we wake up and our back hurts and our eyes aren’t as strong as they used to be and we decide that we have missed a big portion of what we were supposed to be doing previously. One of my favorite authors is a guy named Donald Miller. He wrote a book called A Million Miles in a Thousand years. I guess I’ve read it through about 3 times now because I keep finding more about what he was saying the first time. I didn’t really miss the point, but I did find new things to add to what I could retain. The main point of his book is about living life; writing a great story with your life that will inspire people and give you great memories to remember. I’m pretty sure I used to have the desire to try and please everyone I came into contact with, but I just am learning to ignore that barking dog in my psyche these days and just realize I might not have the 40 or so years left and I have got to put some ink on the page and stop staring at a blank canvas.
So I’ve deleted my Facebook account and I set my alarm early and I am running outside and not in the gym these days. I have a little internet and no cable T.V. (which btw I am not suggesting to anyone of you reading this) but I am making some small changes so I can focus on my work when it’s time to work, live more in the moment with my children and challenge myself to make an adventure out of life. 48 inch waistlines and early detection of heart diseases are not products of fly fishing on the Big Thomson in Colorado. A mini van is not a Jeep and The Grand Canyon was not a gift given to us to see in photographs. Life is greater than last night’s episode of American Idol, and our cousin’s posts about their colonoscopy on Twitter. Letters and cards from friends or relatives with real live stamps and time out of their days to tell you how important you really are to them are a thing of the past. If we invest in our life and the lives of others, we will find we enrich the days we have left with passion and a sense of purpose. Get busy living…or get busy dying… Damn right…
If we spend our time in our lives living at our jobs, taking care of children, with our heads in our Facebooks, living in our minds, we somehow miss the beauty of life. We spend our lives formulating a routine and doing what’s necessary until we wake up and our back hurts and our eyes aren’t as strong as they used to be and we decide that we have missed a big portion of what we were supposed to be doing previously. One of my favorite authors is a guy named Donald Miller. He wrote a book called A Million Miles in a Thousand years. I guess I’ve read it through about 3 times now because I keep finding more about what he was saying the first time. I didn’t really miss the point, but I did find new things to add to what I could retain. The main point of his book is about living life; writing a great story with your life that will inspire people and give you great memories to remember. I’m pretty sure I used to have the desire to try and please everyone I came into contact with, but I just am learning to ignore that barking dog in my psyche these days and just realize I might not have the 40 or so years left and I have got to put some ink on the page and stop staring at a blank canvas.
So I’ve deleted my Facebook account and I set my alarm early and I am running outside and not in the gym these days. I have a little internet and no cable T.V. (which btw I am not suggesting to anyone of you reading this) but I am making some small changes so I can focus on my work when it’s time to work, live more in the moment with my children and challenge myself to make an adventure out of life. 48 inch waistlines and early detection of heart diseases are not products of fly fishing on the Big Thomson in Colorado. A mini van is not a Jeep and The Grand Canyon was not a gift given to us to see in photographs. Life is greater than last night’s episode of American Idol, and our cousin’s posts about their colonoscopy on Twitter. Letters and cards from friends or relatives with real live stamps and time out of their days to tell you how important you really are to them are a thing of the past. If we invest in our life and the lives of others, we will find we enrich the days we have left with passion and a sense of purpose. Get busy living…or get busy dying… Damn right…
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Weird
I want to share something with you I recently read.
I am in the middle of re-ingesting (for the 3rd or so time) a book titled The Relentless Tenderness of Jesus by Brennan Manning. Brennan is by far my favorite author to date. He is the Author of The Ragamuffin Gospel which I love dearly, however; many will bring to light how his message on Grace is dangerous and irresponsible. I of course disagree, because of what I have experienced. Most who disagree with me are those whose lives have never dipped into poverty or experienced anything less than a successful lifestyle. I am gracious so much with those as they have not walked where I have walked and they haven’t experienced the ridiculously painful places in life that would allow them to share my compassion.
In the Foreword of this book, Dr. Larry Crabb is telling of the two times in his life that he has experienced Brennan in such a way that it changed his life. The second experience is this:
The second encounter took place on the balcony of a ninth-floor hotel room. Brennan and I had just finished speaking to a pastor’s convention and we were enjoying a brief moment of quiet before leaving for the airport. “Where to next?” I asked innocently. “I start a seven-day silent retreat tomorrow,” he replied. “I’m not leading it, I’m taking it.”
“Brennan, help me here. I know you’re into that sort of thing. How are you different after getting away for a week with just you and the Lord?”
Without conscious intent (I think), Brennan gently cut through my American pragmatism when he answered, “I don’t know what it does for me. I’ve never thought much about that. I just figured God likes it when I show up.”
I walked away from that encounter more thirsty to experience the Father’s fondness for me.
Imagine if we just longed to be in his presence because we thought HE enjoyed it and not so much because we were making time for HIM. (I was completely convicted of my narcissistic view of myself with this whole story)
Thirsty… that is the word Mr. Manning uses to describe “Mystics”. He says they are not Eastern religion types who live in the dirt and experience visions. They are folks who share the experience of the unending thirst for more of who Christ is in our lives.
When the Lord told me he would make me “weird”, I thought he meant in comparison to the World. I never dreamed it would be in comparison to my brothers and sisters as well…
Experiencing this week first hand Jesus words in Matt. 5:3 “blessed are the Poor in spirit”. The death to myself in all things in my life because of my frailties and faults for my hurts and shortcomings have always haunted me and caused me to bemoan my walk with Christ because I’ve felt hindered as I am not like “healthy” people. Today for the first time I feel as if I have experienced my failures as blessings as they cause me to embrace the cross of Christ wholeheartedly… I am undone because of my need for him as my ONLY source of life. If we ever spend one moment thinking Christianity exists for our lives to benefit and be expanded then we have missed the message of the Gospel. We have been called to share in his experiences. To come and die…period. Not for the sake of suffering or death, but for the sake of warfare and reveal to the world that the love of money, possessions, vanity, power and yes the love of life itself has no power over us.
It was not only Christ’s death that was the most powerful story of the gospels, but his resurrection. We become like him and we die to not just sex, drugs, and rock and roll, but to anything and everything this world uses to hold us down. It is a mystery that is only unlocked as we transform the grip of this life and die of self. It is unexplainable foolishness to those who do not follow him. We DO become weird for we rejoice in the wrong places in the story. We give praise when we are not perfect, we are excited when we experience trials and when we are persecuted for these things the bible tells us we should rejoice because Christ will be exalted even more.
Today I rejoice in the fact that I am becoming more like him. The joy’s of my life are not those shared by the rest of the world and the peace I live in daily cannot be purchased, taken or taught… it is the direct result of suffering and shame and sorrow at the slow death of a life I once pursued. The life I now live is not my own and I have uncovered one of the greatest mysteries ever revealed. As weird as it sounds, I pray that I be found even more bizarre as my days unfold before me.
Brennan Manning, The Relentless Tenderness of Jesus(Grand Rapids Michigan: Revell, 2004) 9-10
I am in the middle of re-ingesting (for the 3rd or so time) a book titled The Relentless Tenderness of Jesus by Brennan Manning. Brennan is by far my favorite author to date. He is the Author of The Ragamuffin Gospel which I love dearly, however; many will bring to light how his message on Grace is dangerous and irresponsible. I of course disagree, because of what I have experienced. Most who disagree with me are those whose lives have never dipped into poverty or experienced anything less than a successful lifestyle. I am gracious so much with those as they have not walked where I have walked and they haven’t experienced the ridiculously painful places in life that would allow them to share my compassion.
In the Foreword of this book, Dr. Larry Crabb is telling of the two times in his life that he has experienced Brennan in such a way that it changed his life. The second experience is this:
The second encounter took place on the balcony of a ninth-floor hotel room. Brennan and I had just finished speaking to a pastor’s convention and we were enjoying a brief moment of quiet before leaving for the airport. “Where to next?” I asked innocently. “I start a seven-day silent retreat tomorrow,” he replied. “I’m not leading it, I’m taking it.”
“Brennan, help me here. I know you’re into that sort of thing. How are you different after getting away for a week with just you and the Lord?”
Without conscious intent (I think), Brennan gently cut through my American pragmatism when he answered, “I don’t know what it does for me. I’ve never thought much about that. I just figured God likes it when I show up.”
I walked away from that encounter more thirsty to experience the Father’s fondness for me.
Imagine if we just longed to be in his presence because we thought HE enjoyed it and not so much because we were making time for HIM. (I was completely convicted of my narcissistic view of myself with this whole story)
Thirsty… that is the word Mr. Manning uses to describe “Mystics”. He says they are not Eastern religion types who live in the dirt and experience visions. They are folks who share the experience of the unending thirst for more of who Christ is in our lives.
When the Lord told me he would make me “weird”, I thought he meant in comparison to the World. I never dreamed it would be in comparison to my brothers and sisters as well…
Experiencing this week first hand Jesus words in Matt. 5:3 “blessed are the Poor in spirit”. The death to myself in all things in my life because of my frailties and faults for my hurts and shortcomings have always haunted me and caused me to bemoan my walk with Christ because I’ve felt hindered as I am not like “healthy” people. Today for the first time I feel as if I have experienced my failures as blessings as they cause me to embrace the cross of Christ wholeheartedly… I am undone because of my need for him as my ONLY source of life. If we ever spend one moment thinking Christianity exists for our lives to benefit and be expanded then we have missed the message of the Gospel. We have been called to share in his experiences. To come and die…period. Not for the sake of suffering or death, but for the sake of warfare and reveal to the world that the love of money, possessions, vanity, power and yes the love of life itself has no power over us.
It was not only Christ’s death that was the most powerful story of the gospels, but his resurrection. We become like him and we die to not just sex, drugs, and rock and roll, but to anything and everything this world uses to hold us down. It is a mystery that is only unlocked as we transform the grip of this life and die of self. It is unexplainable foolishness to those who do not follow him. We DO become weird for we rejoice in the wrong places in the story. We give praise when we are not perfect, we are excited when we experience trials and when we are persecuted for these things the bible tells us we should rejoice because Christ will be exalted even more.
Today I rejoice in the fact that I am becoming more like him. The joy’s of my life are not those shared by the rest of the world and the peace I live in daily cannot be purchased, taken or taught… it is the direct result of suffering and shame and sorrow at the slow death of a life I once pursued. The life I now live is not my own and I have uncovered one of the greatest mysteries ever revealed. As weird as it sounds, I pray that I be found even more bizarre as my days unfold before me.
Brennan Manning, The Relentless Tenderness of Jesus(Grand Rapids Michigan: Revell, 2004) 9-10
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Shadows of a Father
The clock on the desk tells me its 6:07 and the biting cool of the morning air is nipping at me still as I entered the house. It seems odd this time of year as I have to turn off the air conditioner because its cooler outside than it is in the house. Its weird you know? Like someone flipped a switch and just sent the hot air away like it was all a bad dream. Last week it was 89 degrees as I left the house to go running, and today a guy would almost need a jacket. The only downfall to this time of year is the allergies the cool weather seems to bring with it. I almost feel like a trumpeteer running in the dark with a handkerchief and honking for the right of way as I go along. It is kind of fun to watch the cats as the jump out of their skin from a dead sleep somewhere along my route.
My second oldest son Jonah runs with me every morning as we seemed to be joined at the hip these days, and that is quite okay considering the amount of time I spent in Kansas these past few years. Its quite refreshing too because the time we spend together he is non stop questions. This morning he asked me everything from repair time on old cars to gasket replacements to grass and lawn care to questions on our heritage and why MY father acted the way he did when I was young… That tends to be a topic we discuss regularly. Questions like “when you were my age, did your dad ______________? Are quite common in our day to day exercise routines. I always try to explain and model the greatness of my father so my son will know his grandfather was just that… grand. I told him recently of my memory of working for him as a pipe fitter the summer after I graduated and the entire 4 months we spent daily working together and how hard he was to live with, yet how giving and kind he could be during the off hours. I remember looking up and seeing my dad who was well into his forties by that time coming down off a scaffolding in his blue shirt and denim jeans that always seemed to serve as the main uniform he chose to wear everyday. “He wasn’t as heavy as he is today” I told Jonah. “he was still 6’5” and he weighed in around 250 lbs and it was muscle and bone in those days and I knew there was nothing he couldn’t do. I remember watching him lumber across the concrete at a breakneck pace because my dad went at everything he ever did like a mad man with his hair on fire. I remember being in awe that morning thinking to myself “My dad is huge and there isn’t anything I’m scared of when he is around.” I was about 6 foot then and a whopping 200 lbs. “My dad cast a larger shadow than any man I knew.” “But wasn’t your dad hard on you and Aunt Shana when you were young??” Jonah said. I replied “Son? Of all my friends I don’t know of anyone who’s dad could raise as much hell and throw more fits when things didn’t go his way, but I don’t know of one single father who had a bigger heart and loved his children more during the fun times” “So he as a lot of fun?” Jonah asked. “yeah Jo Jo… he would tell us stories of his childhood and his dad and mom and keep us in stitches for hours about the things he pulled and jokes he had heard, he was fun” I replied.
Honestly, its very interesting how I began to deal with my emotions about my dad as I became a dad and have been perfecting the dad thing. I’m not good at it, but our fathers usually give us a pattern or mold to work from as far as how we are to treat our own children and we move from there to a place of taking what we know and adding to it.
So this morning we were jogging along in the dark through an established neighborhood where the trees were 30 to 40 feet tall and the morning housing lights still had not been turned on because it was so early. We ran under the street lamps which seemed to be so dim during the dark hours of the morning but still they gave some comfort to be able to see the asphalt that was passing so quickly under our feet. As we approached each lamp our shadows would disappear until we were passing the lamp and our shadows quickly grew out of no where on the ground beside us and began to run along in front of us and grow with every step we took. I noticed my shadow was quite a bit larger and longer than Jonah’s and as we reached the center distance between the poles my shadow was about 20 some feet and I could see the young teenage boy in me still and yet I could also see the responsible leader who is the provider and high protector of my young brood of cubs in the same shadow.
A dear friend of mine recently said to me “Humility is being confident in knowing what you are and knowing what you are not”. I thought of that this morning because I realized I AM a good dad and a friend to my children and I haven’t gotten so big for my britches in life that they can’t ever have fun with me. I thought of that because I also know that I am NOT the epitome of confidence my father was at my age. He seemed to always have a plan, to always be prepared and to have things under control. Most days I can’t even get lunch together and yet my children still have no problem trusting that I’ve got it all together, which does give me that deep seeded feeling of humility. I’ve got nothing to brag about but they still will have the same stories to tell their children one day.
I hate the idea of “selling” God. It’s NOT my quest nor mission to do so. You either get it or you don’t… plain and simple..and brow beating others to become Christians is about as bad advertising as screechy TV preachers with hankies and a demand for money to support the ministry. But as of late I have learned a great lesson in just living out what you believe instead of trying to be something you are not. When I do that? It’s just not explainable but God simply makes the necessary changes.. he just tells me to put down the remote and the cell phone and pick up the ball glove and play. Its that easy… just play.. Cause he just wants to play with us as well…
I realize that’s not the kind of theology you’re gonna hear from the pulpit maybe, but in my book? It’s the essence of cool.
As we were finishing our run? I couldn’t stop looking at the stars… there were millions of them this morning… I was amazed. I told Jo… look brother, its really cool.. Cause I think God does that just to dazzle us. He said “I never thought of it like that. I figured they are stars and planets etc” I told him I’m sure they are, but if it was just me and Jo on this Earth? I think he would have done it all over again and again… just to wow me and keep me amazed at how amazing he is. He woo’s us by being amazing and revealing his creation to us when we aren’t expecting it. I can’t explain it really but just being caught off guard by a sunset or a mountain landscape or seeing a beautifully colored bird and realizing that you have seen something like that a thousand times, but today for some reason Its like you were looking at it for the first time. I long to be a good father. But God is an amazing father and when I think of how his love for me covers up my inadequacies I am completely undone. God knows what I need when I need it and he always provides everything in its due time.
My second oldest son Jonah runs with me every morning as we seemed to be joined at the hip these days, and that is quite okay considering the amount of time I spent in Kansas these past few years. Its quite refreshing too because the time we spend together he is non stop questions. This morning he asked me everything from repair time on old cars to gasket replacements to grass and lawn care to questions on our heritage and why MY father acted the way he did when I was young… That tends to be a topic we discuss regularly. Questions like “when you were my age, did your dad ______________? Are quite common in our day to day exercise routines. I always try to explain and model the greatness of my father so my son will know his grandfather was just that… grand. I told him recently of my memory of working for him as a pipe fitter the summer after I graduated and the entire 4 months we spent daily working together and how hard he was to live with, yet how giving and kind he could be during the off hours. I remember looking up and seeing my dad who was well into his forties by that time coming down off a scaffolding in his blue shirt and denim jeans that always seemed to serve as the main uniform he chose to wear everyday. “He wasn’t as heavy as he is today” I told Jonah. “he was still 6’5” and he weighed in around 250 lbs and it was muscle and bone in those days and I knew there was nothing he couldn’t do. I remember watching him lumber across the concrete at a breakneck pace because my dad went at everything he ever did like a mad man with his hair on fire. I remember being in awe that morning thinking to myself “My dad is huge and there isn’t anything I’m scared of when he is around.” I was about 6 foot then and a whopping 200 lbs. “My dad cast a larger shadow than any man I knew.” “But wasn’t your dad hard on you and Aunt Shana when you were young??” Jonah said. I replied “Son? Of all my friends I don’t know of anyone who’s dad could raise as much hell and throw more fits when things didn’t go his way, but I don’t know of one single father who had a bigger heart and loved his children more during the fun times” “So he as a lot of fun?” Jonah asked. “yeah Jo Jo… he would tell us stories of his childhood and his dad and mom and keep us in stitches for hours about the things he pulled and jokes he had heard, he was fun” I replied.
Honestly, its very interesting how I began to deal with my emotions about my dad as I became a dad and have been perfecting the dad thing. I’m not good at it, but our fathers usually give us a pattern or mold to work from as far as how we are to treat our own children and we move from there to a place of taking what we know and adding to it.
So this morning we were jogging along in the dark through an established neighborhood where the trees were 30 to 40 feet tall and the morning housing lights still had not been turned on because it was so early. We ran under the street lamps which seemed to be so dim during the dark hours of the morning but still they gave some comfort to be able to see the asphalt that was passing so quickly under our feet. As we approached each lamp our shadows would disappear until we were passing the lamp and our shadows quickly grew out of no where on the ground beside us and began to run along in front of us and grow with every step we took. I noticed my shadow was quite a bit larger and longer than Jonah’s and as we reached the center distance between the poles my shadow was about 20 some feet and I could see the young teenage boy in me still and yet I could also see the responsible leader who is the provider and high protector of my young brood of cubs in the same shadow.
A dear friend of mine recently said to me “Humility is being confident in knowing what you are and knowing what you are not”. I thought of that this morning because I realized I AM a good dad and a friend to my children and I haven’t gotten so big for my britches in life that they can’t ever have fun with me. I thought of that because I also know that I am NOT the epitome of confidence my father was at my age. He seemed to always have a plan, to always be prepared and to have things under control. Most days I can’t even get lunch together and yet my children still have no problem trusting that I’ve got it all together, which does give me that deep seeded feeling of humility. I’ve got nothing to brag about but they still will have the same stories to tell their children one day.
I hate the idea of “selling” God. It’s NOT my quest nor mission to do so. You either get it or you don’t… plain and simple..and brow beating others to become Christians is about as bad advertising as screechy TV preachers with hankies and a demand for money to support the ministry. But as of late I have learned a great lesson in just living out what you believe instead of trying to be something you are not. When I do that? It’s just not explainable but God simply makes the necessary changes.. he just tells me to put down the remote and the cell phone and pick up the ball glove and play. Its that easy… just play.. Cause he just wants to play with us as well…
I realize that’s not the kind of theology you’re gonna hear from the pulpit maybe, but in my book? It’s the essence of cool.
As we were finishing our run? I couldn’t stop looking at the stars… there were millions of them this morning… I was amazed. I told Jo… look brother, its really cool.. Cause I think God does that just to dazzle us. He said “I never thought of it like that. I figured they are stars and planets etc” I told him I’m sure they are, but if it was just me and Jo on this Earth? I think he would have done it all over again and again… just to wow me and keep me amazed at how amazing he is. He woo’s us by being amazing and revealing his creation to us when we aren’t expecting it. I can’t explain it really but just being caught off guard by a sunset or a mountain landscape or seeing a beautifully colored bird and realizing that you have seen something like that a thousand times, but today for some reason Its like you were looking at it for the first time. I long to be a good father. But God is an amazing father and when I think of how his love for me covers up my inadequacies I am completely undone. God knows what I need when I need it and he always provides everything in its due time.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
God.... and Forrest Gump
“Have you found Jesus yet Gump?” said Lt. Dan. Forrest replied “I didn’t know I was supposed to be looking for him Sir”. it’s a very funny couple of lines from my favorite movie of all time. Yes, you read that right… Tom Hanks portrayal in Robert Zemeckas’s 1994 Hit movie is still light years out in front of all the other movies I’ve seen to date. I love Braveheart, Star Wars, Fight Club, When Harry met Sally, and those would round out my top 5 but by far, Forrest is still my fan favored pick.
If you know me? You would know it’s not a stretch as it’s a movie about a simple man, longing for the love of one woman… which is my life in a nutshell. It seriously is… its funny when I see God dealing with something in my life and as of late it’s the woman thing. It’s coming to a head soon and you will probably find me in the corner with a sticky note on my forehead that reads: If found return to… followed by my address… I love the way the Lord moves and is such a gentleman when he deals with us, but he is and I am glad… and so is the rest of the female population J .
Lately I’ve been hanging out in the book of Song of Songs in the bible and if you have ever read it, it will make you blush with some of the language, but as any strong married couple can attest, the emotions shared by the lover and beloved in this short book are right on and true and cannot be denied. It is a depiction of the Lover who we can correctly assume is the Lord and his Beloved whom we know is the Church and the love affair they share for one another and as anyone can assume it is a depiction of how he woos us and calls out to us to love him. The most manly among us will testify that when the lord calls us to him, we are eager to love him and worship him for who he is and to find him as the provider for our lives and the comforter of our souls. If you have ever found yourself in that desperate place of longing for Him for your very breath of life, you will know exactly what I mean. If not? You will find my words to be nonsense right now.
I sat down to watch Forrest Gump again last night and as usual, I tear up like a little girl all through the movie and I realized today why exactly I do such a thing. I noticed that the parts where Forrest is reunited with Jenny all through the movie, I found myself with tears streaming down my cheeks, and for most that would be foolishness, but I think its so much more than just the happy scenes or the scenes about love for me. I realized something amazing… Forrest is like God in this movie. Always disciplined, always doing the hard thing, because it is right. He is faithful to his word and continued to maintain a single love for ONE woman….. Jenny. His Jenny was so lost and sad and heartbroken and corrupt and dead to his affections and love. Jenny is a depiction of the world. Robin Wright plays the role masterfully in the movie and in the times she is running from everything that is true in her life (Forrest) she is lost and whores herself out for any attention from other men (other Gods) so she can feel complete. Forrest writes letters to her, and they come back unread. He confesses his love to her. He does his best to woo her in his simple charm that isn’t attractive to Jenny as she longs for so much more than he can answer or give to her. He remains steadfast and he is never bitter. In fact every time he is with her all throughout the movie he says the same line “Me an Jenny were together again just like Peas and Carrots… and IT… was the Happiest time of my life.” That part struck me very hard like a frying pan to the side of my head.
God desires us even when we are whoring ourselves out for attention from the world. He desires us and is never ever evil or angry when we reject him. He hates our sins and that is a known fact of many in the church but so many throw out the baby with the bathwater and assume God wants to punish us for walking away from him. That’s JUST not the case… in fact, like Forrest.. When we return to him every time, he woos us all over again and he wants to settle things and Marry us and keep us for his very own… and like all the times in the movie, we as the church love on him until we decide his love is just too much and we run away. Isn’t it JUST like the Father to allow us to get to a place where we are sick, or ill or hurt or wounded and we seek him out again, just like Jenny did with Forrest and he just didn’t become ugly or angry.. Once again he accepted her and welcomed her back and gave of himself to her over and above what she could have ever dreamed. He’s not flashy, he’s not a quick fix…. He is simple and his love for us is real and honest and its overwhelming and it simply wants to give itself away to us. I love the movie but my favorite part is when Jenny writes to him and they are reunited and married and she is sick in bed and she says “ I wish I had been with you all those times” and he replies “you were”. We are ALWAYS on his mind… he is ALWAYS thinking of how he can woo us and love us and keep us and show us HIS love. The love of our Father is so real and so alive and so amazing and completely and totally loyal. We are his ONLY object of affection…. He is a jealous lover and yet he won’t condemn us is we run away from him, but when we return… He is like Forrest.. He is totally lost in his love for us as his beloved bride.
As of late my God has wooed me back to a place of walking with him. Just like in the movie, the love of the world and the affections of women are tempting? But I am dancing in the living room to Sweet Home Alabama when the rest of you aren’t looking. My needs are being provided and I am literally the apple of his eye right now and I desire nothing more that can take the place of such peace. “It is the happiest time of my life” and me n God are like Peas and Carrots again…. And I am praying for each of YOU, every day to experience the same… I promise you there is nothing that can rival this… And that’s all I got to say about that….
.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Tomatoes for Polly
I am a member of a group of people who gather at my church several times a week to pray. The eldest member of our group is a widow named Polly who has been the lead prayer partner as long as I have attended at our church. When I first started coming 11 years ago, the church wasn’t nearly as big as it is now, and I believe the growth in number while retaining the flavor of a small church comes through prayer from faithful folks like this friend of mine. Now Polly’s health isn’t the best and she is forced to carry oxygen with her all the time now and her hands are showing the effects of arthritis but she is definitely still willing to lift the banner of prayer high in our church.
We were preparing to start recently and Polly asked if she could share something. It’s funny when Polly asks to tell a story because she speaks these days of the simplest things, which I find endearing because of the joy in her voice and the spark in her eye. So it was with great big smiles we looked at her with anticipation, and of course, she did not disappoint.
Polly said “well, of course most of you know I’m retired”. We all laughed when she said that and rightly so… Polly is in her early eighties and therefore she has been retired several years at this point. “I don’t have much or want for much these days, but I was sitting in my chair at around 9 AM this past week and I told the Lord that I was hungry and said “Lord, I haven’t had a good juicy tomato in a long time, do you think you could see fit to give a couple?” which is a simple prayer really because it was just for a couple of tomatoes, not a necessity, just something I really wanted. So I had kind of forgotten about it and around 10:30 I went outside to get the newspaper and just as I came out the garage door, a woman I knew had pulled in the drive, and I stood there to visit for a few minutes. She reached over into her bucket and pulled out 4 large tomatoes and asked me “Polly, would you like to have some of these tomatoes? I have too many and I need to give some away”. Well I gladly took them and I put em on the table and laughed to myself as I thought of God sitting there chuckling about not just giving me 2 tomatoes, but 4, cause that‘s just like him to give us more than we asked for.”
Of course we all had a great laugh about her story, but it was something much much deeper than that and Polly grew a bit more serious and looked around at all of us in less of a story voice and more of a forewarned tone and said “you know? God isn’t worried about my tomato intake nearly as much as he is my understanding that he is a good father and he loves me very much. I could go on and on about a lot of things, but he just wanted to remind me of his love and he does love me very much.” I was honestly very moved by the amount of sweetness in her voice as she told us about her experience because she had understood the whole thing correctly. She hadn’t missed God’s intentions… He just wanted her to realize that he loved her just because of who she was and wanted to give her good gifts not because she had earned them or been faithful or prayed the right prayer, but simply because he loves us as his children and longs to give us constant reminders of his love. Its not magic, it’s not coincidence…. It was just a matter of him, loving on Polly cause not only did she appreciate it, she wanted to share his story. I wrote this the week she told the story, but I didn’t feel it was time to share it… but today is the right time to share this story. If you have to ask why at this point, then it’s probably not for you, but someone needed this story today… and you need to know that if it’s a car, or a house payment or a job or just to know he loves you… God is just waiting to answer your prayer and give you a huge hug, cause he really loves you (well.. he loves me too.. But you know… Hee hee Hee).
Have an awesome day my friends ; )
We were preparing to start recently and Polly asked if she could share something. It’s funny when Polly asks to tell a story because she speaks these days of the simplest things, which I find endearing because of the joy in her voice and the spark in her eye. So it was with great big smiles we looked at her with anticipation, and of course, she did not disappoint.
Polly said “well, of course most of you know I’m retired”. We all laughed when she said that and rightly so… Polly is in her early eighties and therefore she has been retired several years at this point. “I don’t have much or want for much these days, but I was sitting in my chair at around 9 AM this past week and I told the Lord that I was hungry and said “Lord, I haven’t had a good juicy tomato in a long time, do you think you could see fit to give a couple?” which is a simple prayer really because it was just for a couple of tomatoes, not a necessity, just something I really wanted. So I had kind of forgotten about it and around 10:30 I went outside to get the newspaper and just as I came out the garage door, a woman I knew had pulled in the drive, and I stood there to visit for a few minutes. She reached over into her bucket and pulled out 4 large tomatoes and asked me “Polly, would you like to have some of these tomatoes? I have too many and I need to give some away”. Well I gladly took them and I put em on the table and laughed to myself as I thought of God sitting there chuckling about not just giving me 2 tomatoes, but 4, cause that‘s just like him to give us more than we asked for.”
Of course we all had a great laugh about her story, but it was something much much deeper than that and Polly grew a bit more serious and looked around at all of us in less of a story voice and more of a forewarned tone and said “you know? God isn’t worried about my tomato intake nearly as much as he is my understanding that he is a good father and he loves me very much. I could go on and on about a lot of things, but he just wanted to remind me of his love and he does love me very much.” I was honestly very moved by the amount of sweetness in her voice as she told us about her experience because she had understood the whole thing correctly. She hadn’t missed God’s intentions… He just wanted her to realize that he loved her just because of who she was and wanted to give her good gifts not because she had earned them or been faithful or prayed the right prayer, but simply because he loves us as his children and longs to give us constant reminders of his love. Its not magic, it’s not coincidence…. It was just a matter of him, loving on Polly cause not only did she appreciate it, she wanted to share his story. I wrote this the week she told the story, but I didn’t feel it was time to share it… but today is the right time to share this story. If you have to ask why at this point, then it’s probably not for you, but someone needed this story today… and you need to know that if it’s a car, or a house payment or a job or just to know he loves you… God is just waiting to answer your prayer and give you a huge hug, cause he really loves you (well.. he loves me too.. But you know… Hee hee Hee).
Have an awesome day my friends ; )
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Superheros and Snotbubbles
My name is Todd… and I am a Father, part time to children who miss me.
But that’s not the big story.
My name is Todd… I once was married but now I’m no longer married.
But that’s not the whole picture.
My name is Todd… I am a minister… and I am a broken Christian, and I am one of Gods Ragamuffins… and that is the best story I can tell…
I’m not sure how old I was when I first started hearing stories of the Christian life. I must have been 3 or 4 but I do remember receiving a bible from my Aunt for Christmas in 1974 and I couldn’t really understand it and always knew I needed to be reading it, but to a 6 year old the King James version did NOT make any sense. So I did the next best thing, I put the bible under my pillow to protect me, and keep me safe from the demons I thought I saw looking in the windows at night and I slept with it there until I left for college in 1987. I would look at the pics and try to understand it, but it wasn’t until July of 1988 that I actually gave my life to God that I truly began to understand the words written on the pages. Sitting on top of a 10’ ladder in the back of a restaurant at 2:00AM, I gave the rest of my life over to God and he… is a man… of his word.
When you learn most of what you know about the bible by regurgitation from well meaning evangelical ministers, your outlook of the word can be very skewed and disproportionate. Much like those ministers who are hung up on blessings and tithing, the bible belt area I grew up in where my faith was formed is very steeped in the traditions of evangelism and much is given from the pulpit about morality and right living so others will be lured in. Sure that’s just MY viewpoint and there is nothing wrong with that mentality, but coming from my broken assessment of the gospels I have found solace in the last 10 years in the broken places of just knowing that my God is a friend to those who are broken and hurting.
I used to think God had called those who had it together or at least when we got saved, we all got a new car and a great haircut and our acne cleared up and all we had to do was pay our taxes on time and drive the speed limit and never cuss and we could punch a ticket into heaven. I listened to other Christians go on and on about the love of God and how they had been filled with peace etc and I swear for 15 years I faked it. I was even ordained in 1997 as a gospel minister, probably based on the words I could say, but I’ll tell you honestly, if there was any truth in me it was only how to live morally and not necessarily a true experience of God’s love.
In 2002 my friend Mark and I were discussing this love experience thing and I told him I just didn’t believe in the emotion of it all. I didn’t feel comfort when I prayed. I didn’t feel it was anything more than a public show and he looked at me like Id lost my mind. I mean, I was in leadership for goodness sakes. I was in the leadership home group with other leaders who were the folks in the church who were supposed to be the experts in the ways of Christianity and we had all the answers… and honestly? I had NO idea what it was to be in love with our father. To my shame Mark grabbed me by the hand that next Sunday morning and led me to our Sr. Pastor John and explained my plight. I had shared many meals with Pastor John and he knew me well. He had loved my family like his own when we joined the church and was very compassionate most days, but he looked at me with a look of broken compassion mixed with bewilderment. I had said all the right words, I had gone through all the motions correctly, but it was beginning to show in my walk that I was missing something…”something??” I was missing THE thing. I didn’t want Pastor John to know I didn’t have the grid for the experience I was supposed to understand. I mean I was an ordained minister for goodness sakes… I am supposed to be an expert in my field, the fact that this conversation had gone this far we ridiculous indeed, but God had bigger plans for me than for me to lie to myself and everyone else.
Now I’ve heard tell of spiritual Ninja’s and men whose prayers are heard no matter what they pray and I believe our pastor was just that kind of man. I wouldn’t say he is a prophet or some super spiritual guru… but trust me when I say he was a Spiritual Dirty Harry. The man had just as well been aiming a 44 magnum at my head when he stood there and prayed for me to feel the love of God in my life and in my emotions. His hands sort of shake as he prays and I don’t know if that is spiritual or not, but I remember him shaking me as he held my chest and prayed as if to ask God to take my heart out of my body and renew it… I promise you, God WAS listening that day. Not because John has magic powers, but because God was ready to bring me to the place where he could show me his love.
God is a man of his word… period. He always does what he says he is going to do. He had told me in the year 2000 in a bookstore in Independence, MO that I was a ragamuffin. He told me I would know what it meant to experience his love. I have it written in my diary from 2001 exactly where I was standing when God whispered “I’m going to change you from the inside out”. Not long after “Dirty Harry” did the prayer deed, I lost my job… not long after that? We lost everything that wasn’t tied down, jeep, appliances, money all of it. Then to make matters worse?? The boys and their mom left and went to live in Oklahoma. She only came back to visit her doctor for a lump in her breast several weeks later. We ended up having to go through breast cancer knowing full well when it was over we would end up divorced. I’ve lived the most radically painful and disappointing life since the year 2002 wandering aimlessly in life wondering when the pain of not feeling God’s love would subside. As I look back at the time of my struggle, I have come to realize one thing… everything I have endured was because God desired to bring me to a place where I knew WHO I was, who HE was and where I was going. He made himself real to me in the darkest dankest hours of my life when I felt like it would end several times. I’ve never reached out for attention just for attentions sake in those moments… I really have been scared… but every time I cried out to God… and every time.. He was faithful to send one person, one check, a job, anything I needed at the time and the only way I know how to describe the past 10 years of my life is God loving me as a father… holding me tightly and me kicking wanting to get down and play. The love our Father has for us in those dark moments when we are on our knees praying he will take our lives is not a romantic, giddy, puppy love. When you are praying for comfort as you cry until your throat aches and your eyes burn from the hot tears that drench your shirt because you long so much to know his love. When you have tried to kill the pain with alcohol, food, tobacco, the love of another and anything else you want to inject into your system to forget the past, and you finally reach your breaking point… he will find you there on the floor of your home, rejected and dismayed at life and he will pick you up and remind you once again… he loves you. Its then in that moment and not in some theological classroom that you realize WHO he is… WHO you are and what you have to give back to him and where you are going. You find yourself in that place of knowing that you in your rags and filth are nothing and the only goodness in us is the love he gives and the dignity he can restore if we find ourselves in that Garden of Gethsemane place of saying… not MY will.. Not MY life… not MY choices… not MY way…. Anymore. When we get to that breaking point… he can use us. He can heal us and we finally realize WHO we are. There is never a time when we have to look for love in the arms of another. We never have to look for affirmation from others… we are just his and he can then love on us…
I find it almost humorous when I write anymore… I have people constantly messaging me about God’s love, and giving me advice. Worried that I am just too hard on myself. Saying I am looking for encouragement. Saying I need to just figure out who I am. These are actual messages I’ve received from kind well meaning friends… and the funny thing is I really DO know who I am… who HE is and where I am headed these days. I’ve blown enough snot bubbles on my knees looking for direction that I know for sure. I know he isn’t finished with me… but I also know I don’t question if he loves me anymore. I am at peace with it now. I am so at peace I can share my stories in humility and transparency, not for you to pat me on the back, but to help you on your journey as well if you need it. I’ve come to understand that its not about being seen, gaining approval or masking our faults and sins. My sins are my sins, but his love is so much greater than those stories… I sleep peacefully every night… now cause HE calls me Superman… the name was his idea. I sleep peacefully knowing HE loves me and that too was his idea… and I know that I will now and for the rest of my days tell the story of how his love changed my heart even though it cost me all I had in life. Whether I find love or I am single all my days… I will write it, preach it, do finger puppets if necessary, telling about his love for us. it’s the greatest love story ever written and it will always be the same… a loving father… giving all he has for us to show us how much he loves us… and he does it using Ragamuffins…just like me and you. ; )
But that’s not the big story.
My name is Todd… I once was married but now I’m no longer married.
But that’s not the whole picture.
My name is Todd… I am a minister… and I am a broken Christian, and I am one of Gods Ragamuffins… and that is the best story I can tell…
I’m not sure how old I was when I first started hearing stories of the Christian life. I must have been 3 or 4 but I do remember receiving a bible from my Aunt for Christmas in 1974 and I couldn’t really understand it and always knew I needed to be reading it, but to a 6 year old the King James version did NOT make any sense. So I did the next best thing, I put the bible under my pillow to protect me, and keep me safe from the demons I thought I saw looking in the windows at night and I slept with it there until I left for college in 1987. I would look at the pics and try to understand it, but it wasn’t until July of 1988 that I actually gave my life to God that I truly began to understand the words written on the pages. Sitting on top of a 10’ ladder in the back of a restaurant at 2:00AM, I gave the rest of my life over to God and he… is a man… of his word.
When you learn most of what you know about the bible by regurgitation from well meaning evangelical ministers, your outlook of the word can be very skewed and disproportionate. Much like those ministers who are hung up on blessings and tithing, the bible belt area I grew up in where my faith was formed is very steeped in the traditions of evangelism and much is given from the pulpit about morality and right living so others will be lured in. Sure that’s just MY viewpoint and there is nothing wrong with that mentality, but coming from my broken assessment of the gospels I have found solace in the last 10 years in the broken places of just knowing that my God is a friend to those who are broken and hurting.
I used to think God had called those who had it together or at least when we got saved, we all got a new car and a great haircut and our acne cleared up and all we had to do was pay our taxes on time and drive the speed limit and never cuss and we could punch a ticket into heaven. I listened to other Christians go on and on about the love of God and how they had been filled with peace etc and I swear for 15 years I faked it. I was even ordained in 1997 as a gospel minister, probably based on the words I could say, but I’ll tell you honestly, if there was any truth in me it was only how to live morally and not necessarily a true experience of God’s love.
In 2002 my friend Mark and I were discussing this love experience thing and I told him I just didn’t believe in the emotion of it all. I didn’t feel comfort when I prayed. I didn’t feel it was anything more than a public show and he looked at me like Id lost my mind. I mean, I was in leadership for goodness sakes. I was in the leadership home group with other leaders who were the folks in the church who were supposed to be the experts in the ways of Christianity and we had all the answers… and honestly? I had NO idea what it was to be in love with our father. To my shame Mark grabbed me by the hand that next Sunday morning and led me to our Sr. Pastor John and explained my plight. I had shared many meals with Pastor John and he knew me well. He had loved my family like his own when we joined the church and was very compassionate most days, but he looked at me with a look of broken compassion mixed with bewilderment. I had said all the right words, I had gone through all the motions correctly, but it was beginning to show in my walk that I was missing something…”something??” I was missing THE thing. I didn’t want Pastor John to know I didn’t have the grid for the experience I was supposed to understand. I mean I was an ordained minister for goodness sakes… I am supposed to be an expert in my field, the fact that this conversation had gone this far we ridiculous indeed, but God had bigger plans for me than for me to lie to myself and everyone else.
Now I’ve heard tell of spiritual Ninja’s and men whose prayers are heard no matter what they pray and I believe our pastor was just that kind of man. I wouldn’t say he is a prophet or some super spiritual guru… but trust me when I say he was a Spiritual Dirty Harry. The man had just as well been aiming a 44 magnum at my head when he stood there and prayed for me to feel the love of God in my life and in my emotions. His hands sort of shake as he prays and I don’t know if that is spiritual or not, but I remember him shaking me as he held my chest and prayed as if to ask God to take my heart out of my body and renew it… I promise you, God WAS listening that day. Not because John has magic powers, but because God was ready to bring me to the place where he could show me his love.
God is a man of his word… period. He always does what he says he is going to do. He had told me in the year 2000 in a bookstore in Independence, MO that I was a ragamuffin. He told me I would know what it meant to experience his love. I have it written in my diary from 2001 exactly where I was standing when God whispered “I’m going to change you from the inside out”. Not long after “Dirty Harry” did the prayer deed, I lost my job… not long after that? We lost everything that wasn’t tied down, jeep, appliances, money all of it. Then to make matters worse?? The boys and their mom left and went to live in Oklahoma. She only came back to visit her doctor for a lump in her breast several weeks later. We ended up having to go through breast cancer knowing full well when it was over we would end up divorced. I’ve lived the most radically painful and disappointing life since the year 2002 wandering aimlessly in life wondering when the pain of not feeling God’s love would subside. As I look back at the time of my struggle, I have come to realize one thing… everything I have endured was because God desired to bring me to a place where I knew WHO I was, who HE was and where I was going. He made himself real to me in the darkest dankest hours of my life when I felt like it would end several times. I’ve never reached out for attention just for attentions sake in those moments… I really have been scared… but every time I cried out to God… and every time.. He was faithful to send one person, one check, a job, anything I needed at the time and the only way I know how to describe the past 10 years of my life is God loving me as a father… holding me tightly and me kicking wanting to get down and play. The love our Father has for us in those dark moments when we are on our knees praying he will take our lives is not a romantic, giddy, puppy love. When you are praying for comfort as you cry until your throat aches and your eyes burn from the hot tears that drench your shirt because you long so much to know his love. When you have tried to kill the pain with alcohol, food, tobacco, the love of another and anything else you want to inject into your system to forget the past, and you finally reach your breaking point… he will find you there on the floor of your home, rejected and dismayed at life and he will pick you up and remind you once again… he loves you. Its then in that moment and not in some theological classroom that you realize WHO he is… WHO you are and what you have to give back to him and where you are going. You find yourself in that place of knowing that you in your rags and filth are nothing and the only goodness in us is the love he gives and the dignity he can restore if we find ourselves in that Garden of Gethsemane place of saying… not MY will.. Not MY life… not MY choices… not MY way…. Anymore. When we get to that breaking point… he can use us. He can heal us and we finally realize WHO we are. There is never a time when we have to look for love in the arms of another. We never have to look for affirmation from others… we are just his and he can then love on us…
I find it almost humorous when I write anymore… I have people constantly messaging me about God’s love, and giving me advice. Worried that I am just too hard on myself. Saying I am looking for encouragement. Saying I need to just figure out who I am. These are actual messages I’ve received from kind well meaning friends… and the funny thing is I really DO know who I am… who HE is and where I am headed these days. I’ve blown enough snot bubbles on my knees looking for direction that I know for sure. I know he isn’t finished with me… but I also know I don’t question if he loves me anymore. I am at peace with it now. I am so at peace I can share my stories in humility and transparency, not for you to pat me on the back, but to help you on your journey as well if you need it. I’ve come to understand that its not about being seen, gaining approval or masking our faults and sins. My sins are my sins, but his love is so much greater than those stories… I sleep peacefully every night… now cause HE calls me Superman… the name was his idea. I sleep peacefully knowing HE loves me and that too was his idea… and I know that I will now and for the rest of my days tell the story of how his love changed my heart even though it cost me all I had in life. Whether I find love or I am single all my days… I will write it, preach it, do finger puppets if necessary, telling about his love for us. it’s the greatest love story ever written and it will always be the same… a loving father… giving all he has for us to show us how much he loves us… and he does it using Ragamuffins…just like me and you. ; )
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