When God is Silent - we are to still worship & serve HIM!
This topic quote above was listed by this song when I looked it up.. I think I am going to throw up..
I can't stand those types of Christians who live to be excited about God 24/7.. I wish I was like that more..
I was driving to work this morning and the man who wrote this song was talking on the radio about waiting 17 years for God to bring him to a place where he could serve God with his music full time. He said he felt like he had a very firm grip on what it was like to wait on the lord..lol.. 17 years.. what a sissy.. Moses waited 40.. there are many more stories I could bore you with from the OT that would explain waiting, but when you are in the midst of doing it? it sucks dirt..
I have been waiting since July 23, 1988 for the hand of God to move in my life.. yep.. not seeing it so much.. I am a general foreman working in Construction now... totally where I thought I would be that season God called me. I walked for like a year or so in that season of my calling.. insanely excited about how God had called me to serve him and walk it out... I just knew it was my desire and for all this time it keeps haunting me like a bad dream that I can't get away from. I would LOVE for this cup to pass away from me..in fact I have begged God to take away this desire.. but..not so much.. He will not relent in this season of silence.. Its like he is there but he isn't. I can't explain that because there is no explanation..only the experience of such..if you can't experience something you can't understand it, most times..that's just the way of things..
So I am including this...theme song for you to understand my position because it speaks volumes, but while I lye awake tonight in my 3000 sq foot home on ten acres.. alone without the comfort of human connection or touch.. I will listen to this song in my head because its all that is going on.. waiting....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bb7TSGptd3Y
Monday, September 28, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Huffing an Puffing
I totally fancy myself as some sort of kind wonderful guy and I guess a lot could be said for having that outlook, but it also gets me into trouble sometimes.. I love people. Well, for the most part and sometimes they wear out my last nerve. Not sure why, but sometimes they do...
This is the weekend for our Annual Fall Festival in my town. The entire place stops doing what they do and they converge on the downtown square which is quite historic and everyone celebrates the year we have had and its a very fun time. There is a parade and a carnival and booths downtown and a carshow and people come into town for this event. It is a major great time. I moved here 9 years ago and we bought a home on College ave which runs parallel to downtown and the parade route passes by there. Well guess what? every year..they block off our neighborhood for an entire day. .People come and sit in the yard. They crowd the house and you can't have plans cause they won't let you drive to your house.. every stinking year.. I find myself so worked up at the police and the pedestrians because my children have always played fall sports and someone always has a game that day or practice.
Yesterday was no different.. Jo had practice right before the parade. I had to drive nearly 45 minutes around town trying to find a route home that would allow us to be able to drive to our driveway. I was flipped off twice yesterday..by WOMEN..hello..and I got to the parade with my kids I was so angry that I was totally critical of everyone in the parade.. Why my mental attitude has to take shape? I have NO idea..
I repented of my attitude with the Father, but I can't help but be angry that it frustrated me so much. We went to the carnival last night and I watched my children having fun..it helped take my fury away.. ; )
This is the weekend for our Annual Fall Festival in my town. The entire place stops doing what they do and they converge on the downtown square which is quite historic and everyone celebrates the year we have had and its a very fun time. There is a parade and a carnival and booths downtown and a carshow and people come into town for this event. It is a major great time. I moved here 9 years ago and we bought a home on College ave which runs parallel to downtown and the parade route passes by there. Well guess what? every year..they block off our neighborhood for an entire day. .People come and sit in the yard. They crowd the house and you can't have plans cause they won't let you drive to your house.. every stinking year.. I find myself so worked up at the police and the pedestrians because my children have always played fall sports and someone always has a game that day or practice.
Yesterday was no different.. Jo had practice right before the parade. I had to drive nearly 45 minutes around town trying to find a route home that would allow us to be able to drive to our driveway. I was flipped off twice yesterday..by WOMEN..hello..and I got to the parade with my kids I was so angry that I was totally critical of everyone in the parade.. Why my mental attitude has to take shape? I have NO idea..
I repented of my attitude with the Father, but I can't help but be angry that it frustrated me so much. We went to the carnival last night and I watched my children having fun..it helped take my fury away.. ; )
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Procrastination
I often put stuff off..okay.. lets just say thats kindof stretching it.. I ALWAYS put stuff off. I am the worst about it.. not sure why... even now.. I should be packing for the drive to Hutchinson, but here I sit wondering why..um I uh..sit here I guess. Its a curse to be a procrastinator.. life long curse. Crud I didn't get a birthmark till I was 7 man.. Should I worry about it? Heck yes I should..
I have things that need my attention. My brain always says "Do it tomorrow". Sometimes I think its that little devil that sits on my shoulder..you know? like in the movies? The kind that tells you things and you buy into them? Ya.. I listen when I should ignore. I don't think its any worse a sin that drinking too much or pornography or.. wait..ya, pornagraphy is pretty high on the list, okay.. cookie theft..there we go.. If I steal a cookie from my moms cookie jar? Ya..its about the same..
Noun
•S: (n) procrastination, cunctation, shillyshally (the act of procrastinating; putting off or delaying or defering an action to a later time) •S: (n) dilatoriness, procrastination (slowness as a consequence of not getting around to it) WordNet home page
Okay I went outside the Procrastinators code and found the answer to the definition for you and I am wondering WTH? What's shillyshally? New term for you guys too??
So I also looked up WHY I procrastinate? Wish I hadn't too.. Reason #1? Ya..fear of failure.. so I can't even be a screw up and procrastinate these days without the psychobabble of my fears? Well thats probably true, but I won't give anyone the satisfaction of being right.. just gives them the ammunition to find something else I screw up. Sigh... Well I better get moving getting my stuff together. I will get better about not procrastinating... tomorrow..
I have things that need my attention. My brain always says "Do it tomorrow". Sometimes I think its that little devil that sits on my shoulder..you know? like in the movies? The kind that tells you things and you buy into them? Ya.. I listen when I should ignore. I don't think its any worse a sin that drinking too much or pornography or.. wait..ya, pornagraphy is pretty high on the list, okay.. cookie theft..there we go.. If I steal a cookie from my moms cookie jar? Ya..its about the same..
Noun
•S: (n) procrastination, cunctation, shillyshally (the act of procrastinating; putting off or delaying or defering an action to a later time) •S: (n) dilatoriness, procrastination (slowness as a consequence of not getting around to it) WordNet home page
Okay I went outside the Procrastinators code and found the answer to the definition for you and I am wondering WTH? What's shillyshally? New term for you guys too??
So I also looked up WHY I procrastinate? Wish I hadn't too.. Reason #1? Ya..fear of failure.. so I can't even be a screw up and procrastinate these days without the psychobabble of my fears? Well thats probably true, but I won't give anyone the satisfaction of being right.. just gives them the ammunition to find something else I screw up. Sigh... Well I better get moving getting my stuff together. I will get better about not procrastinating... tomorrow..
snowball
These days I feel like a snowball gaining momentum.. I previously was in a position of trudging up a hill of unrest, and moral hell. Depravity sets in after a few hundred bad decisions you make, which, by and large, are based on your unmet emotional needs, and eventually lead you to a place of Hell that sometimes you feel only the Devil himself knows about.
I have made many poor decisions in my life and I am not proud of any one of them. I know them, its not like I am living in total denial... I know the mistakes I have made.. my last 5 years have been HEAPED full of them.. but I am making the decision today..to change.. I have been making that decision, and I will keep making that decision, but I don't think you can eat an elephant in a days time. I have made the right decision in many areas of my life now and I am excited to see them become fruitful..but they are totally the hardest decisions I have had to make to this day and time.
Like I said..its a snowball deal.. its rolling and gathering more good decisions and picking up speed and gaining ground.
God is funny sometimes.. I have a friend who has a dog with a funny personality. This nutty dog will creep into and onto places he knows he is not allowed, but still he persists.. He creeps so slow that it might take him 15 minutes to get his body onto the couch so that you don't notice him moving. God has been doing that in my life for about 5 years.. I was in such a place that the God I knew from the ministers sermons was going to smite me to hell for my actions and all the wrong I was doing, but the REAL God stood up..as he will do.. and began to reveal himself to me..He doesn't like impostors and posers and he totally doesn't like people labeling him as unjust or cruel. God found me in the deepest pit of moral depravity I could have fallen into. He was the ONLY one who stood beside me. Lifted me from the muck and pulled me to himself. I have responded only by kicking and screaming and yet he began to hold me tighter and tighter, like you do when a small child is kicking and squirming. He keeps moving me without my permission to places of making decisions that put him first. Gently and always without my knowledge. Only later do I find it was the spirit of God moving and he is just there, on his clay spinning wheel churning it out and he looks up and smiles in that way I am sure only Jesus could have when his Mother checked on him at his work, and he gives you that look of comfort and profound adoration as if you are his favorite. I know he gives everyone that look, but you know? I think secretly I AM his favorite? ; )
I live in a huge empty house with no Internet. Only my guitar, my computer for writing and a handful of books written by people who have experienced that same life changing grace. I know I act a fool on Facebook, but God really does have a plan, and I am in a place for the next 3 years for him to put that plan in action.. watch, wait and pray as God does his butterfly from the cocoon trick? Cause this snowball is on a roll..
I have made many poor decisions in my life and I am not proud of any one of them. I know them, its not like I am living in total denial... I know the mistakes I have made.. my last 5 years have been HEAPED full of them.. but I am making the decision today..to change.. I have been making that decision, and I will keep making that decision, but I don't think you can eat an elephant in a days time. I have made the right decision in many areas of my life now and I am excited to see them become fruitful..but they are totally the hardest decisions I have had to make to this day and time.
Like I said..its a snowball deal.. its rolling and gathering more good decisions and picking up speed and gaining ground.
God is funny sometimes.. I have a friend who has a dog with a funny personality. This nutty dog will creep into and onto places he knows he is not allowed, but still he persists.. He creeps so slow that it might take him 15 minutes to get his body onto the couch so that you don't notice him moving. God has been doing that in my life for about 5 years.. I was in such a place that the God I knew from the ministers sermons was going to smite me to hell for my actions and all the wrong I was doing, but the REAL God stood up..as he will do.. and began to reveal himself to me..He doesn't like impostors and posers and he totally doesn't like people labeling him as unjust or cruel. God found me in the deepest pit of moral depravity I could have fallen into. He was the ONLY one who stood beside me. Lifted me from the muck and pulled me to himself. I have responded only by kicking and screaming and yet he began to hold me tighter and tighter, like you do when a small child is kicking and squirming. He keeps moving me without my permission to places of making decisions that put him first. Gently and always without my knowledge. Only later do I find it was the spirit of God moving and he is just there, on his clay spinning wheel churning it out and he looks up and smiles in that way I am sure only Jesus could have when his Mother checked on him at his work, and he gives you that look of comfort and profound adoration as if you are his favorite. I know he gives everyone that look, but you know? I think secretly I AM his favorite? ; )
I live in a huge empty house with no Internet. Only my guitar, my computer for writing and a handful of books written by people who have experienced that same life changing grace. I know I act a fool on Facebook, but God really does have a plan, and I am in a place for the next 3 years for him to put that plan in action.. watch, wait and pray as God does his butterfly from the cocoon trick? Cause this snowball is on a roll..
Friday, September 11, 2009
My most painful predicament
This post will be reminiscent of the many I will probably post that will have the most impact on why I did this. Someone asked recently.. why post a daily intimate journal online for public viewing.. well... I am an open book.. I have much to say and I know some of you have answers for me as I still have very much to learn so I invite your wisdom and your comments..
I am typing in my room and my sons sit watching television one room away..I am typing my intimate thoughts and being vulnerable as I have learned this is actually who I am and my sons are watching The 300 in the other room. I long to be where they are as I am one who is totally male and aggressive and long for the daily fight of staying alive.. but I am also one who's heart is tender and torn watching a church rip itself apart with judgements and anger.. such is NOT the way of Christs plan for the body. I could bore you to tears with verses of scripture explaining God's desire for his children and I also long to tear another man apart some days as well.. is that bi polar? no.. I have explained.. that I am a walking dichotomy.. a total contradiction in terms.. but I also am passionate about both... I long to heal the body and heal others or portray a help in that matter, but I also long to kill lions with my bare hands.. is that bad? Idk.. I hope not.. I just know I am a passionate man both ways.. maybe my passion for one will fuel the other? maybe? I long for millions to be touched but I can't answer you that now...
I am typing in my room and my sons sit watching television one room away..I am typing my intimate thoughts and being vulnerable as I have learned this is actually who I am and my sons are watching The 300 in the other room. I long to be where they are as I am one who is totally male and aggressive and long for the daily fight of staying alive.. but I am also one who's heart is tender and torn watching a church rip itself apart with judgements and anger.. such is NOT the way of Christs plan for the body. I could bore you to tears with verses of scripture explaining God's desire for his children and I also long to tear another man apart some days as well.. is that bi polar? no.. I have explained.. that I am a walking dichotomy.. a total contradiction in terms.. but I also am passionate about both... I long to heal the body and heal others or portray a help in that matter, but I also long to kill lions with my bare hands.. is that bad? Idk.. I hope not.. I just know I am a passionate man both ways.. maybe my passion for one will fuel the other? maybe? I long for millions to be touched but I can't answer you that now...
Thursday, September 10, 2009
President
Who dreams weirder things than me? I dreamed last night tha I walked into President Obama's office. He was at his desk working and stopped to shake my hand and spoke to me about who I was etc.. when we finished I began to walk around the White House and saw the room he gave press confrences and the rose garden etc. He walked by later as I sat in a chair and looked at me again and asked "its Todd right??" I agreed and then I woke up. I'm not sure what it meant or why.. I am not a huge supporter of Obama, and I really don't like the socialist agenda style he is portraying, but it was nice that he knew my name in the dream.. who knows? maybe the president likes superheros??
Monday, September 7, 2009
Moving Day
Is it just me or are there things you would also rather be doing when moving day arrives? I watched the movie Gran Torino the other day and those folks lived in their house for almost 40 years.. when am I going to get to the point when I live in my house 40 years and NOT have to move again? ugh.. Okay, so complaining about it really doesn't help, dog gone it..it wasn't even my house that I moved. I moved stuff for a rent house my company has... do I get extra credit in heaven for that? Can I put it on my resume? Guy looking through my resume reading "Moved the furniture for 2 rent houses unpaid" "Gladys, get this guy on the phone.. we need to hire him", Yes I am sure they will consider that one.. whatever.. Nope I am stuck losing life minutes today.. I have a job..others get the benefit, I get stuck with the work and soooo.. I am thinking its like being a Christian.. horrific dead end job, if you look at the value of what you exactly get out of it.. but I get more than that.. others get blessed. My guys get some great furniture, I got a super workout and a sore back, but hey... Someone has to be Superman...
Friday, September 4, 2009
My Dad
Its funny what an important role my dad plays in my life. He is 589 miles away from me now and not a day goes by that it doesn't affect me the way I grew up. Some days I hate him but 90 percent of the time these days I am finding every reason in the world to love him for who he is. I guess its easy to criticize because I am getting it done with my kids.. I attend their events, I listen to their issues and minister to their heart where they are not just from where I am. But dad did the very best he could with what he had at the time. I have wanted to lose my temper many times as did he, so I know its very easy for him to be so frustrating..
The one thing I wrestle with so much with dad is when I am doing something.. I ask myself.. did dad ever feel like he was still 12 when he was 40. Did he get scared at night in the dark, did he secretly enjoy ripping through the yard at high speed on the mower and play a little when he was finished mowing? Did he ever drive along a highway alone and wonder what the hell was going through the minds of the cows standing there? Did he ever find himself in a place of being so lonely that he wanted to cry, even though he was a grown man? Did he do things he knew would disappoint his own father and feel very stupid for doing them? Idk.. its just one of those things I ponder sometimes..I bet I make a good grampa one day.. at least we will be having fun..l
The one thing I wrestle with so much with dad is when I am doing something.. I ask myself.. did dad ever feel like he was still 12 when he was 40. Did he get scared at night in the dark, did he secretly enjoy ripping through the yard at high speed on the mower and play a little when he was finished mowing? Did he ever drive along a highway alone and wonder what the hell was going through the minds of the cows standing there? Did he ever find himself in a place of being so lonely that he wanted to cry, even though he was a grown man? Did he do things he knew would disappoint his own father and feel very stupid for doing them? Idk.. its just one of those things I ponder sometimes..I bet I make a good grampa one day.. at least we will be having fun..l
Thursday, September 3, 2009
First
So I have been asked "I love your writing style and humor.. do you have a blog?".. um.. "No sadly.. I don't". Why not? Heck idk.. (I type like I text.. fyi)
I haven't ever just sat and taken the time I guess..but if the truth be known.. that word.. BLOG.. it just doesn't sound right.. like the word "tapioca" who the hell wants to put "tapioca" in their mouth? I HAVE tried the stuff on occasion and its okay.. not that I include it in my regular diet of daily red meat, but you know.. its okay. But this word blog is just so foreign to a boy from Oklahoma... so are scones.. I'll never forget being 30 years old at grad school and someone suggests that I try the scones at the coffee shop on the square.. huh? what the hell is a scone?? A blog is not something I had ever considered, so being that I consider myself open minded.. I gave it some research and found that I was quite ignorant about the whole topic and what I was looking for, you know.. typing my thoughts on a daily basis, was just what I was looking for. I love facebook, but its so limited and you have such a eclectic base of folks to read it that often you receive comments and realize..."What the hey??" did I really post that thought for 289 of my closest peeps to read?? So here I am.. starting a blog.. learning to eat sushi and falling in love with 5.00 coffee..I feel I have traveled a million miles in 20 years and am not even a glimpse of the guy I was.. and yet.. I am still the same? Idk... I'm just glad I don't' still think bacon wrapped cocktail wieners are the height of culture...
I haven't ever just sat and taken the time I guess..but if the truth be known.. that word.. BLOG.. it just doesn't sound right.. like the word "tapioca" who the hell wants to put "tapioca" in their mouth? I HAVE tried the stuff on occasion and its okay.. not that I include it in my regular diet of daily red meat, but you know.. its okay. But this word blog is just so foreign to a boy from Oklahoma... so are scones.. I'll never forget being 30 years old at grad school and someone suggests that I try the scones at the coffee shop on the square.. huh? what the hell is a scone?? A blog is not something I had ever considered, so being that I consider myself open minded.. I gave it some research and found that I was quite ignorant about the whole topic and what I was looking for, you know.. typing my thoughts on a daily basis, was just what I was looking for. I love facebook, but its so limited and you have such a eclectic base of folks to read it that often you receive comments and realize..."What the hey??" did I really post that thought for 289 of my closest peeps to read?? So here I am.. starting a blog.. learning to eat sushi and falling in love with 5.00 coffee..I feel I have traveled a million miles in 20 years and am not even a glimpse of the guy I was.. and yet.. I am still the same? Idk... I'm just glad I don't' still think bacon wrapped cocktail wieners are the height of culture...
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