snowball

These days I feel like a snowball gaining momentum.. I previously was in a position of trudging up a hill of unrest, and moral hell. Depravity sets in after a few hundred bad decisions you make, which, by and large, are based on your unmet emotional needs, and eventually lead you to a place of Hell that sometimes you feel only the Devil himself knows about.

I have made many poor decisions in my life and I am not proud of any one of them. I know them, its not like I am living in total denial... I know the mistakes I have made.. my last 5 years have been HEAPED full of them.. but I am making the decision today..to change.. I have been making that decision, and I will keep making that decision, but I don't think you can eat an elephant in a days time. I have made the right decision in many areas of my life now and I am excited to see them become fruitful..but they are totally the hardest decisions I have had to make to this day and time.
Like I said..its a snowball deal.. its rolling and gathering more good decisions and picking up speed and gaining ground.

God is funny sometimes.. I have a friend who has a dog with a funny personality. This nutty dog will creep into and onto places he knows he is not allowed, but still he persists.. He creeps so slow that it might take him 15 minutes to get his body onto the couch so that you don't notice him moving. God has been doing that in my life for about 5 years.. I was in such a place that the God I knew from the ministers sermons was going to smite me to hell for my actions and all the wrong I was doing, but the REAL God stood up..as he will do.. and began to reveal himself to me..He doesn't like impostors and posers and he totally doesn't like people labeling him as unjust or cruel. God found me in the deepest pit of moral depravity I could have fallen into. He was the ONLY one who stood beside me. Lifted me from the muck and pulled me to himself. I have responded only by kicking and screaming and yet he began to hold me tighter and tighter, like you do when a small child is kicking and squirming. He keeps moving me without my permission to places of making decisions that put him first. Gently and always without my knowledge. Only later do I find it was the spirit of God moving and he is just there, on his clay spinning wheel churning it out and he looks up and smiles in that way I am sure only Jesus could have when his Mother checked on him at his work, and he gives you that look of comfort and profound adoration as if you are his favorite. I know he gives everyone that look, but you know? I think secretly I AM his favorite? ; )
I live in a huge empty house with no Internet. Only my guitar, my computer for writing and a handful of books written by people who have experienced that same life changing grace. I know I act a fool on Facebook, but God really does have a plan, and I am in a place for the next 3 years for him to put that plan in action.. watch, wait and pray as God does his butterfly from the cocoon trick? Cause this snowball is on a roll..