My Dad

Its funny what an important role my dad plays in my life. He is 589 miles away from me now and not a day goes by that it doesn't affect me the way I grew up. Some days I hate him but 90 percent of the time these days I am finding every reason in the world to love him for who he is. I guess its easy to criticize because I am getting it done with my kids.. I attend their events, I listen to their issues and minister to their heart where they are not just from where I am. But dad did the very best he could with what he had at the time. I have wanted to lose my temper many times as did he, so I know its very easy for him to be so frustrating..
The one thing I wrestle with so much with dad is when I am doing something.. I ask myself.. did dad ever feel like he was still 12 when he was 40. Did he get scared at night in the dark, did he secretly enjoy ripping through the yard at high speed on the mower and play a little when he was finished mowing? Did he ever drive along a highway alone and wonder what the hell was going through the minds of the cows standing there? Did he ever find himself in a place of being so lonely that he wanted to cry, even though he was a grown man? Did he do things he knew would disappoint his own father and feel very stupid for doing them? Idk.. its just one of those things I ponder sometimes..I bet I make a good grampa one day.. at least we will be having fun..l